I will be turning 40 soon. I am at the point in my life where I am okay if we don't have any more children, but I do still want one more chance for that "perfect birth". However, I'll be honest, the thought of having another pregnancy and not knowing FOR SURE that I will get that perfect birth SCARES ME!

I shouldn't let fear keep me from having another child, that is up to YHWH, not us. So I will leave it in His hands, where it should be.

Just had to get my thoughts down. :)

Birth story #6

Where do I begin?

I'm mad at myself that I didn't get the birth I wanted and needed. I'm not mad at YHWH (God), just mad and a little confused as to how I got His message wrong or just flat out messed it up. I still feel that His message to me was SO clear, but maybe I misinterpreted it somehow??? Perhaps it was intended for a close friend or my daughters (or daughters-in-law) in the future?

Ultimately, baby and I are both healthy and doing better each day, which is the best blessing ever, but the birth itself was again, one of the worst in my own personal experiences. Assuming I may have more children, will I EVER get the birth I so badly want and NEED? In some ways I still feel I am closer to it as I learn something from each pregnancy, but with the actual birth events I feel I am getting further away!

So, the story that I need to get down but don't really want to remember so much......

The last week or so leading up to the birth, I had been having gallbladder attacks, and as a result, I wasn't eating much of anything in fear it would set it off again. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal not to eat, but boy was I ever wrong, as I soon found out!

It was January 1st, I was running some errands with my friend and doula who had just moved from out of state and was living with us temporarily. (She was a God-send and such a HUGE help in so many ways!) We each had our daughters (one for each of us), so the four of us girls were having some fun girl time as we went to pick up our raw milk and get a few groceries.

At our last stop, I was feeling VERY light-headed and a little nauseous, so I gave her some money for the things we needed and went to sit in the van. She hurried out to check on me, so I hadn't been outside by myself for very long when they joined me. She got a phone call, which delayed our departure just a bit. That ended up being a blessing, because as she was sitting there talking instead of driving my van (since I was in no shape to drive), I decided to throw up! Lovely. I didn't want to go, but I knew I needed to go to the hospital to be checked out. Thankfully we were only a few blocks away!

We arrived at the hospital early afternoon. It was New Year's Day, so the only staff that were there were all stuck in the operating room for a c-section, so we waited quite a while. Once we finally got signed in, I enjoyed the quiet as I settled into the nice comfy gown and bed they had for me (I wish). They hooked me up to all the monitors and drew some blood for tests. Fun stuff. Why didn't I do this sooner? *sigh*

On a serious note though, I should have gone in sooner to get the gallbladder attacks under control. As it turned out, by NOT EATING hardly anything for several days, my blood pressure was up (hypertension), my liver enzymes were elevated and my platelets were VERY low.......Yep, I had once again developed the HELLP syndrome, which is worse than preeclampsia! So I was facing another c-section. I cried. No, I bawled my eyes out. I am so glad my friend was with me, offering a shoulder to cry on.

I'm a little fuzzy on all the details now, but by 7:00 we were getting very close to surgery. They had to give me some platelets just as surgery was beginning, and they also had to put me under general anesthesia since my platelets were so low (31,000). It was scary. I was honestly very worried that I might not wake up. I was praying hard, that YHWH would save me or that He would take care of my family if I was gone, but mosly that I would live. Another scary thing was that they were holding the mask over my face, ready to put me under, when the doc said, "Okay, ready when you are." And they counted down........and I was still wide awake and could feel everything!!!!! He even had the knife touching my tummy, ready to cut!!! Thankfully, I don't remember them counting very far, and I don't remember feeling or knowing of anything going on until about two hours after surgery when I woke up. Then I felt like I was thrown out on the street (freezing temps) naked, I was so cold!!!! Oh my, that was a horrible feeling!!! But they warmed me up as fast as they could. I was still feeling pretty loopy, but I wanted to see my baby as soon as possible. She was two hours old already!!!!

I soon discovered that my husband, who had not been allowed in surgery since I was under general anesthesia, had not even seen the baby yet himself! We were told they only needed 20 minutes with her, then he could see her. We knew she was fine (I guess we heard from someone?), so why were they keeping her? They finally did bring her out, just shortly after I had woken up (and was still groggy). Thankfully they had not given her any shots, eye drops or a bath, as we requested! Her APGAR was 8 and 9, so she was in excellent shape. The doc honored my request of delaying the cord clamping, however, he couldn't delay very long as they didn't want the medicine to get to baby. I can respect that, and I didn't want that either!

The doctor also honored my request to keep the placenta so I could just SEE it. I had never seen any of my previous 5 babies' placentas, and I felt that was just weird! So I actually got to see and KEEP this one! Now it sits in my freezer, awaiting my decision on what to do with it. Haha!

There is more I could write, like how the pediatrician was HORRIBLE and didn't listen to me AT ALL, or how my 10yo daughter came and spent two fun nights with her sister and me. I may add some of those toughts in future blog posts, but for now, that is the basic story of Jessica's birth. It ended completely the opposite of what I wanted, but ultimately she is now in my arms and doing very well, and that is always the most important thing.

And as a side note, as much as I hate having c-sections, I am thankful for the option when they are necessary! And as far as medical doctors go, I have the best, hands down! He listens to me and does not try to scare me into anything that he knows I don't want to do. If I need an OB, I am so glad to know him!

So, Jessica Dove was born on January 1st at 7:21pm weighing 9 lbs and 9 ounces and was about 21" long.

Because of the IV fluids I was hooked up to for several hours, she was POOFY! She had some of the chubbiest cheeks I have ever seen on a newborn, and her head felt like a sponge! It was a little creepy, to be honest, but she was also so sweet and adorable! I was so glad to finally hold her in my arms.....FINALLY!

And here we are, one month later, and she is just the BEST baby ever! She is so easy to care for, but she does like Mommy to hold and nurse her as much as possible. When Mommy is busy with something though, there are plenty of other hands to hold her, and trust me, she rarely gets put down! Her 2yo brother loves to kiss her and rub her head. She is going to be bald soon, I'm sure, but I just decided to stop trying to prevent him from rubbing her head. She'll just be bald in all her pictures and can blame it on her brother when they are older!

Pregnancy update!

This could very well be my last pregnancy update before the awesome UBA3C BIRTH STORY I will post!!!! I have between 4-5 weeks left (between the two due dates), but I'm hoping it will be more like 3 weeks. I'm getting quite miserable!

This baby girl is growing like a weed. She is doing absolutely wonderful, moving a lot, in a good position and has great heart tones, etc.

I, on the other hand, am struggling to control my blood pressure and blood sugar (first time for that one!) using natural methods, no medication. I'm doing okay with it, but I am hoping to improve the results. I haven't officially been diagnosed with gestational diabetes, in fact, two weeks ago there was NO sugar in the urine, but I know I have to really watch what I eat and keep taking those essential oils! They really do work! My blood pressure is still good but creeping up to the borderline between normal and high. I am also having a lot of swelling these last two weeks, which is probably why my blood pressure is up a bit.

Also, I am having a lot of pain, severe at times, in my left hip/pubic bone! When it is really bad, I can barely stand upright and walk, and it feels like my leg is ripping out of the socket. :( Thankfully it doesn't get that bad too often, but it still gets very painful several times throughout the day. I've never experienced this pain before, but several friends who have dealt with it have said that it didn't seem to get worse during labor, so that's good! I really need to get to a chiropractor!

Otherwise, besides watching the pressure and sugar levels and the hip/pubic pain, I really can't complain. I am blessed to have another beautiful baby to hold very soon, and these other things will pass. I can't wait to hold her!!!

On another note, today was such a fun day, full of many blessings from several different friends! It started off with a trip to the Post Office. I knew my Kozy Carrier was there, so I HAD to pick it up and see it in person! I was instantly impressed with the quality, and I love the way they ship them! It was shipped in a nice, padded bag that is made to carry the Kozy, but it was turned inside out with the mailing label attached right on it. So cool!

Quick background.....I know the founder of the company and her family from high school (we won't admit how long ago that was), and I had been wanting to get one of her carriers for years but just couldn't swing it, especially since I already had a mei tai style carrier. She discovered that I did not have one of my own yet and decided to GIFT me one for this baby!!!! I was so excited! I went right to the web site and chose my fabric, then sent my request off to her sister who handles the orders and shipping. So exciting!!!!

Back to this morning, I hurriedly opened up the bag only to discover that my friends had included a kiddieKozy for my 10-year-old daughter!!!! Oh my goodness, what generosity! I seriously sat there in the parking lot in tears, HAPPY tears, over something that probably wasn't a big deal to them, but it totally made my day. It was just so nice of them, and we probably otherwise would not ever have had one.

I ran some other errands, including seeing a friend (fun!), and got home a while later only to discover something had come via FedEx while I was gone. I opened the door to a huge box in front of me. Several friends went in together and bought us a brand new jogging stroller!!!!! We have NEVER had a brand new stroller of any kind,  nor have we ever had a jogging stroller, so I was just overjoyed to see it! We live in the country, and the stroller we had when we first moved here was NOT good for pushing baby around in the yard (while we are working, gardening, etc.), and eventually the wheels broke, so I had been wanting a jogging stroller. It is perfect! I didn't cry right away, I was excited and just smiling from ear to ear. Then when my husband called home after leaving work, I totally lost it. He couldn't even tell what I was saying, I was such a blubbering fool. LOL!

So here are a few photos from today. We are having camera issues, so these are not the best quality, as they were taken from my phone, but here ya go.

Me and my baby belly at 36-ish weeks!

Showing more of the Kozy with my 2yo. Isn't he adorable?! 

My daughter using the kiddieKozy.

Now, she will not be using this to carry him or her new baby sister in, we just did this one time to take a picture. The kiddieKozy is very good quality, just like the full size Kozy, but it is smaller and meant for kids to wear their dolls or stuffed animals, not actual babies! Just needed to clarify that. ;)

Two of my little loves, modeling the stroller before we opened it.

And I had to throw this one in of all my boys. LOVE!

Definitely an unassisted HBA3C!!!

I'm a little nervous, but SO VERY EXCITED!!! I have wanted a home birth for so long, but I didn't even attempt it with my last one (5th birth) because I'd had 2 previous c/s (I attempted a VBA2C, but not at home). Well, it might have been unavoidable, but he was my 3rd c/s. So this baby will be a VBA3C, at home and unassisted, since no midwives will take me!

I hate, I mean absolutely HATE, that women are being forced into this decision simply because of "hospital policy". Everyone is so afraid they're going to be sued, so they don't "allow" for women to even attempt a VBAC in a "safe" environment. Instead they schedule c/s after c/s while so many women just go along with it because they are uninformed. The "professionals" don't even consider the RISK of a c/s! The midwives won't take me either, even though I have had 2 previous vaginal births with no problems. It really stinks.

BUT!!!

From a spiritual perspective, I have really been feeling YHWH lead me to a home birth, and while I admittedly am still a tiny bit nervous about it, I can't wait to have the birth I have always dreamed of! When we were at Sukkot, a lady there was talking about home birth. She quoted 1 Timothy 2:15, which says the woman will be saved through childbearing. I'm not sure if what she said it means is really what it means in context, but the Father spoke to me through her. I just started crying. It was exactly what I needed to hear to overcome my fear and just decide to DO IT! I went back to our tent and told my husband about it. Seriously, *during the conversation*, the midwives at the local hospital where I was trying to get in called me and told me they were not going to take me. I accepted the news, hung up the phone and just bawled even more, knowing this was all from YHWH. I was crying tears of JOY. I really felt (and still believe) I truly received this message from Him, to have faith, not fear, and just go for it! I just need to TRUST HIM.

So that is our plan! I spoke with the doula/monitrice last night, and since there will not be a "professional" there at the birth, she is not going to continue as my doula. I'm a little disappointed, but I expected this to happen. Now I just need to find another doula or an experienced friend who will come and offer support. Or maybe not, I haven't really decided yet on that.

As a side note, I think my daughter might be a prophet. :) She just KNEW this baby was a girl, and she has been telling me for at least a couple of years that her sissy is going to be born at home. Matter of fact. This is just one example. She amazes me quite often.

I can't wait to share my beautiful HOME birth story!!!

VBA3C home births!

Well, I am almost 6 months pregnant (7th pregnancy; 2 vag, 1 c/s, 1 m/c, 2 more c/s). My OB has recently decided he is not supporting any more VBACs beyond the "hospital policy", which is only if the woman has had one c/s previously, and I have had three, so I am currently looking for a new care provider. The only other ones who may take me that I am aware of is the midwives at a local hospital. And I am not too hopeful. They told me that even if they take me, they may see me during the pregnancy but still cannot guarantee they will support a VBA3C.

So! It looks like I may be forced into an unassisted home birth (because no midwives will take me either.....ridiculous!!!), which is fine with me, I just wasn't quite ready! I am actually getting excited about it, but still a little nervous.

At this point, I am not yet PLANNING a home birth, but I just want to prepare as much as I can if it comes to that. Part of that planning is reading and watching about POSITIVE VBA3C birth stories! I am finding that they are all "scattered" around the internet, though they are out there, so I thought I might gather them together for others who may need this encouragement as well. Here is what I have found so far, and I will add to it as I find more. Please submit your own link to your blog or video, if you have a personal story to share. Hopefully I will be having my own positive VBA3C home birth story in just a few months!

And yes, I bawl like a baby at every one of these. I'm sure I will at my own too!

Janel’s Birth of Julianne

A Beautiful Homebirth After THREE Cesareans (video)

Ezra's birth story, our vba3c experiences.

VBA3C - Our Faith (video)

my vba3c after inverted T (video)

Blog for this birth - other great stories and advice here as well!

Birth Without Fear blog - this was a tough one, but she did it!!!!!

VBA3C born on the freeway!

VBAmultipleC - A video montage of women who gave birth vaginally after multiple Cesareans. There are moms who'd had 2, 3, and 4 previous surgical deliveries; some went on to deliver in the hospital and others at home.

The Successful VBA4C Birth of Jamie Wolfe

You've Had How Many Cesareans?!

Connie's VBA4C

Ruth's VBA4C

VBA4C

Melanie's HBA4C

Dawn's HBA3C

Teresa's HBA3C

Kristie's VBA3C

Planned HBA3C turned UBA3C!

Planned 4th c/s turns UBA3C!

Cheryl's HBA4C

Guess what! :)

Baby #5, pregnancy #6 birth story!

I should have posted this long ago, because honestly, I don't remember much from 17 months ago! I probably would remember a lot more details if it had been a vaginal birth, but alas, it was not meant to be, once again.

I was seeing a medical OB who is totally supportive of VBACs, even though it is "against hospital policy". This is the doc who the midwives use, so he did my first c-section and delivered #3. He was going to deliver him breech, but the kid was butt down and HUGE, so after laboring all day, I opted for a section. Then my 2nd c/s was a planned unassisted birth at home, but I got very sick with HELLP and had him c/s at 34 weeks. If you've read my posts and birth story on that pregnancy, you know that was probably the hardest day of my life. It was HARD, and I was seriously depressed for a while after that. And that baby, we found out later, has a genetic condition, which is probably why my pregnancy with him was so different. He will be FIVE next month!!!!

I digress.....

So this pregnancy was probably my best one so far, though I was so out of shape, physically. I was on BP meds, but the doctor took really good care of monitoring me and baby, and I felt really, really great! My 5th baby was born full-term, with this same doctor who was willing to wait it out to the end with me, for natural labor and birth. But in the end, after having regular (quick) ultrasounds weekly, we saw that he too was HUGE and was laying transverse (kind of diagonal) with his back down. The.worst.possible.position. UGH. But even then, we decided to go ahead and schedule a c/s, but do one last ultrasound beforehand to see if he'd turned. Nope. The thing is, I know he'd turn some, but he would always fall right back into the same position after I would get up and move around. *sigh*

So Baby Boy was born the day after Thanksgiving via c/s. Everything went really well, completely uneventful. The hospital and staff were WONDERFUL, just as before. In fact, I think there was only one other mother there at the time since it was a holiday weekend, so it was quiet, and they took great care of us!

Not quite as quiet a few days later, when I went back into the hospital for fluid retention and SUPER high blood pressure. I caught it sooner this time since I recognized the symptoms from when this happened after #3 was born. We nipped it in the bud and I was able to go home quickly, and everything was fine after that! The doc doesn't believe it was from the spinal anesthetic, but that's what my gut has been telling me since the first time in 2004. My 2nd c/s was at a different hospital with a different doc and anesthesiologist, so I'm thinking there's something there! I know it's a rare side effect, but it's still a side effect......and I'm pretty rare. LOL!

So this time around (I am 5 weeks pregnant today), I am using the same doctor and hoping for a vaginal birth, but he is very aware (and I will remind him) about the side effects/reaction that I have after a c/s. However, I am going above and beyond this time, in a desperate attempt to have a vaginal birth! I am seeing a ND regularly now, and I have a doula. I am determined to have a natural birth, and I think it will be very healing for me. However, I am also at a place where I understand that maybe my body just still has some healing to do that for whatever reason will force me to have another c/s, and I will accept that. I am just going to do my best to work toward a vaginal birth, and if it happens, then my next one will be at HOME birth, if YHWH blesses us again. :)