I will be turning 40 soon. I am at the point in my life where I am okay if we don't have any more children, but I do still want one more chance for that "perfect birth". However, I'll be honest, the thought of having another pregnancy and not knowing FOR SURE that I will get that perfect birth SCARES ME!

I shouldn't let fear keep me from having another child, that is up to YHWH, not us. So I will leave it in His hands, where it should be.

Just had to get my thoughts down. :)

Birth story #6

Where do I begin?

I'm mad at myself that I didn't get the birth I wanted and needed. I'm not mad at YHWH (God), just mad and a little confused as to how I got His message wrong or just flat out messed it up. I still feel that His message to me was SO clear, but maybe I misinterpreted it somehow??? Perhaps it was intended for a close friend or my daughters (or daughters-in-law) in the future?

Ultimately, baby and I are both healthy and doing better each day, which is the best blessing ever, but the birth itself was again, one of the worst in my own personal experiences. Assuming I may have more children, will I EVER get the birth I so badly want and NEED? In some ways I still feel I am closer to it as I learn something from each pregnancy, but with the actual birth events I feel I am getting further away!

So, the story that I need to get down but don't really want to remember so much......

The last week or so leading up to the birth, I had been having gallbladder attacks, and as a result, I wasn't eating much of anything in fear it would set it off again. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal not to eat, but boy was I ever wrong, as I soon found out!

It was January 1st, I was running some errands with my friend and doula who had just moved from out of state and was living with us temporarily. (She was a God-send and such a HUGE help in so many ways!) We each had our daughters (one for each of us), so the four of us girls were having some fun girl time as we went to pick up our raw milk and get a few groceries.

At our last stop, I was feeling VERY light-headed and a little nauseous, so I gave her some money for the things we needed and went to sit in the van. She hurried out to check on me, so I hadn't been outside by myself for very long when they joined me. She got a phone call, which delayed our departure just a bit. That ended up being a blessing, because as she was sitting there talking instead of driving my van (since I was in no shape to drive), I decided to throw up! Lovely. I didn't want to go, but I knew I needed to go to the hospital to be checked out. Thankfully we were only a few blocks away!

We arrived at the hospital early afternoon. It was New Year's Day, so the only staff that were there were all stuck in the operating room for a c-section, so we waited quite a while. Once we finally got signed in, I enjoyed the quiet as I settled into the nice comfy gown and bed they had for me (I wish). They hooked me up to all the monitors and drew some blood for tests. Fun stuff. Why didn't I do this sooner? *sigh*

On a serious note though, I should have gone in sooner to get the gallbladder attacks under control. As it turned out, by NOT EATING hardly anything for several days, my blood pressure was up (hypertension), my liver enzymes were elevated and my platelets were VERY low.......Yep, I had once again developed the HELLP syndrome, which is worse than preeclampsia! So I was facing another c-section. I cried. No, I bawled my eyes out. I am so glad my friend was with me, offering a shoulder to cry on.

I'm a little fuzzy on all the details now, but by 7:00 we were getting very close to surgery. They had to give me some platelets just as surgery was beginning, and they also had to put me under general anesthesia since my platelets were so low (31,000). It was scary. I was honestly very worried that I might not wake up. I was praying hard, that YHWH would save me or that He would take care of my family if I was gone, but mosly that I would live. Another scary thing was that they were holding the mask over my face, ready to put me under, when the doc said, "Okay, ready when you are." And they counted down........and I was still wide awake and could feel everything!!!!! He even had the knife touching my tummy, ready to cut!!! Thankfully, I don't remember them counting very far, and I don't remember feeling or knowing of anything going on until about two hours after surgery when I woke up. Then I felt like I was thrown out on the street (freezing temps) naked, I was so cold!!!! Oh my, that was a horrible feeling!!! But they warmed me up as fast as they could. I was still feeling pretty loopy, but I wanted to see my baby as soon as possible. She was two hours old already!!!!

I soon discovered that my husband, who had not been allowed in surgery since I was under general anesthesia, had not even seen the baby yet himself! We were told they only needed 20 minutes with her, then he could see her. We knew she was fine (I guess we heard from someone?), so why were they keeping her? They finally did bring her out, just shortly after I had woken up (and was still groggy). Thankfully they had not given her any shots, eye drops or a bath, as we requested! Her APGAR was 8 and 9, so she was in excellent shape. The doc honored my request of delaying the cord clamping, however, he couldn't delay very long as they didn't want the medicine to get to baby. I can respect that, and I didn't want that either!

The doctor also honored my request to keep the placenta so I could just SEE it. I had never seen any of my previous 5 babies' placentas, and I felt that was just weird! So I actually got to see and KEEP this one! Now it sits in my freezer, awaiting my decision on what to do with it. Haha!

There is more I could write, like how the pediatrician was HORRIBLE and didn't listen to me AT ALL, or how my 10yo daughter came and spent two fun nights with her sister and me. I may add some of those toughts in future blog posts, but for now, that is the basic story of Jessica's birth. It ended completely the opposite of what I wanted, but ultimately she is now in my arms and doing very well, and that is always the most important thing.

And as a side note, as much as I hate having c-sections, I am thankful for the option when they are necessary! And as far as medical doctors go, I have the best, hands down! He listens to me and does not try to scare me into anything that he knows I don't want to do. If I need an OB, I am so glad to know him!

So, Jessica Dove was born on January 1st at 7:21pm weighing 9 lbs and 9 ounces and was about 21" long.

Because of the IV fluids I was hooked up to for several hours, she was POOFY! She had some of the chubbiest cheeks I have ever seen on a newborn, and her head felt like a sponge! It was a little creepy, to be honest, but she was also so sweet and adorable! I was so glad to finally hold her in my arms.....FINALLY!

And here we are, one month later, and she is just the BEST baby ever! She is so easy to care for, but she does like Mommy to hold and nurse her as much as possible. When Mommy is busy with something though, there are plenty of other hands to hold her, and trust me, she rarely gets put down! Her 2yo brother loves to kiss her and rub her head. She is going to be bald soon, I'm sure, but I just decided to stop trying to prevent him from rubbing her head. She'll just be bald in all her pictures and can blame it on her brother when they are older!

Pregnancy update!

This could very well be my last pregnancy update before the awesome UBA3C BIRTH STORY I will post!!!! I have between 4-5 weeks left (between the two due dates), but I'm hoping it will be more like 3 weeks. I'm getting quite miserable!

This baby girl is growing like a weed. She is doing absolutely wonderful, moving a lot, in a good position and has great heart tones, etc.

I, on the other hand, am struggling to control my blood pressure and blood sugar (first time for that one!) using natural methods, no medication. I'm doing okay with it, but I am hoping to improve the results. I haven't officially been diagnosed with gestational diabetes, in fact, two weeks ago there was NO sugar in the urine, but I know I have to really watch what I eat and keep taking those essential oils! They really do work! My blood pressure is still good but creeping up to the borderline between normal and high. I am also having a lot of swelling these last two weeks, which is probably why my blood pressure is up a bit.

Also, I am having a lot of pain, severe at times, in my left hip/pubic bone! When it is really bad, I can barely stand upright and walk, and it feels like my leg is ripping out of the socket. :( Thankfully it doesn't get that bad too often, but it still gets very painful several times throughout the day. I've never experienced this pain before, but several friends who have dealt with it have said that it didn't seem to get worse during labor, so that's good! I really need to get to a chiropractor!

Otherwise, besides watching the pressure and sugar levels and the hip/pubic pain, I really can't complain. I am blessed to have another beautiful baby to hold very soon, and these other things will pass. I can't wait to hold her!!!

On another note, today was such a fun day, full of many blessings from several different friends! It started off with a trip to the Post Office. I knew my Kozy Carrier was there, so I HAD to pick it up and see it in person! I was instantly impressed with the quality, and I love the way they ship them! It was shipped in a nice, padded bag that is made to carry the Kozy, but it was turned inside out with the mailing label attached right on it. So cool!

Quick background.....I know the founder of the company and her family from high school (we won't admit how long ago that was), and I had been wanting to get one of her carriers for years but just couldn't swing it, especially since I already had a mei tai style carrier. She discovered that I did not have one of my own yet and decided to GIFT me one for this baby!!!! I was so excited! I went right to the web site and chose my fabric, then sent my request off to her sister who handles the orders and shipping. So exciting!!!!

Back to this morning, I hurriedly opened up the bag only to discover that my friends had included a kiddieKozy for my 10-year-old daughter!!!! Oh my goodness, what generosity! I seriously sat there in the parking lot in tears, HAPPY tears, over something that probably wasn't a big deal to them, but it totally made my day. It was just so nice of them, and we probably otherwise would not ever have had one.

I ran some other errands, including seeing a friend (fun!), and got home a while later only to discover something had come via FedEx while I was gone. I opened the door to a huge box in front of me. Several friends went in together and bought us a brand new jogging stroller!!!!! We have NEVER had a brand new stroller of any kind,  nor have we ever had a jogging stroller, so I was just overjoyed to see it! We live in the country, and the stroller we had when we first moved here was NOT good for pushing baby around in the yard (while we are working, gardening, etc.), and eventually the wheels broke, so I had been wanting a jogging stroller. It is perfect! I didn't cry right away, I was excited and just smiling from ear to ear. Then when my husband called home after leaving work, I totally lost it. He couldn't even tell what I was saying, I was such a blubbering fool. LOL!

So here are a few photos from today. We are having camera issues, so these are not the best quality, as they were taken from my phone, but here ya go.

Me and my baby belly at 36-ish weeks!

Showing more of the Kozy with my 2yo. Isn't he adorable?! 

My daughter using the kiddieKozy.

Now, she will not be using this to carry him or her new baby sister in, we just did this one time to take a picture. The kiddieKozy is very good quality, just like the full size Kozy, but it is smaller and meant for kids to wear their dolls or stuffed animals, not actual babies! Just needed to clarify that. ;)

Two of my little loves, modeling the stroller before we opened it.

And I had to throw this one in of all my boys. LOVE!

Definitely an unassisted HBA3C!!!

I'm a little nervous, but SO VERY EXCITED!!! I have wanted a home birth for so long, but I didn't even attempt it with my last one (5th birth) because I'd had 2 previous c/s (I attempted a VBA2C, but not at home). Well, it might have been unavoidable, but he was my 3rd c/s. So this baby will be a VBA3C, at home and unassisted, since no midwives will take me!

I hate, I mean absolutely HATE, that women are being forced into this decision simply because of "hospital policy". Everyone is so afraid they're going to be sued, so they don't "allow" for women to even attempt a VBAC in a "safe" environment. Instead they schedule c/s after c/s while so many women just go along with it because they are uninformed. The "professionals" don't even consider the RISK of a c/s! The midwives won't take me either, even though I have had 2 previous vaginal births with no problems. It really stinks.

BUT!!!

From a spiritual perspective, I have really been feeling YHWH lead me to a home birth, and while I admittedly am still a tiny bit nervous about it, I can't wait to have the birth I have always dreamed of! When we were at Sukkot, a lady there was talking about home birth. She quoted 1 Timothy 2:15, which says the woman will be saved through childbearing. I'm not sure if what she said it means is really what it means in context, but the Father spoke to me through her. I just started crying. It was exactly what I needed to hear to overcome my fear and just decide to DO IT! I went back to our tent and told my husband about it. Seriously, *during the conversation*, the midwives at the local hospital where I was trying to get in called me and told me they were not going to take me. I accepted the news, hung up the phone and just bawled even more, knowing this was all from YHWH. I was crying tears of JOY. I really felt (and still believe) I truly received this message from Him, to have faith, not fear, and just go for it! I just need to TRUST HIM.

So that is our plan! I spoke with the doula/monitrice last night, and since there will not be a "professional" there at the birth, she is not going to continue as my doula. I'm a little disappointed, but I expected this to happen. Now I just need to find another doula or an experienced friend who will come and offer support. Or maybe not, I haven't really decided yet on that.

As a side note, I think my daughter might be a prophet. :) She just KNEW this baby was a girl, and she has been telling me for at least a couple of years that her sissy is going to be born at home. Matter of fact. This is just one example. She amazes me quite often.

I can't wait to share my beautiful HOME birth story!!!

VBA3C home births!

Well, I am almost 6 months pregnant (7th pregnancy; 2 vag, 1 c/s, 1 m/c, 2 more c/s). My OB has recently decided he is not supporting any more VBACs beyond the "hospital policy", which is only if the woman has had one c/s previously, and I have had three, so I am currently looking for a new care provider. The only other ones who may take me that I am aware of is the midwives at a local hospital. And I am not too hopeful. They told me that even if they take me, they may see me during the pregnancy but still cannot guarantee they will support a VBA3C.

So! It looks like I may be forced into an unassisted home birth (because no midwives will take me either.....ridiculous!!!), which is fine with me, I just wasn't quite ready! I am actually getting excited about it, but still a little nervous.

At this point, I am not yet PLANNING a home birth, but I just want to prepare as much as I can if it comes to that. Part of that planning is reading and watching about POSITIVE VBA3C birth stories! I am finding that they are all "scattered" around the internet, though they are out there, so I thought I might gather them together for others who may need this encouragement as well. Here is what I have found so far, and I will add to it as I find more. Please submit your own link to your blog or video, if you have a personal story to share. Hopefully I will be having my own positive VBA3C home birth story in just a few months!

And yes, I bawl like a baby at every one of these. I'm sure I will at my own too!

Janel’s Birth of Julianne

A Beautiful Homebirth After THREE Cesareans (video)

Ezra's birth story, our vba3c experiences.

VBA3C - Our Faith (video)

my vba3c after inverted T (video)

Blog for this birth - other great stories and advice here as well!

Birth Without Fear blog - this was a tough one, but she did it!!!!!

VBA3C born on the freeway!

VBAmultipleC - A video montage of women who gave birth vaginally after multiple Cesareans. There are moms who'd had 2, 3, and 4 previous surgical deliveries; some went on to deliver in the hospital and others at home.

The Successful VBA4C Birth of Jamie Wolfe

You've Had How Many Cesareans?!

Connie's VBA4C

Ruth's VBA4C

VBA4C

Melanie's HBA4C

Dawn's HBA3C

Teresa's HBA3C

Kristie's VBA3C

Planned HBA3C turned UBA3C!

Planned 4th c/s turns UBA3C!

Cheryl's HBA4C

Guess what! :)

Baby #5, pregnancy #6 birth story!

I should have posted this long ago, because honestly, I don't remember much from 17 months ago! I probably would remember a lot more details if it had been a vaginal birth, but alas, it was not meant to be, once again.

I was seeing a medical OB who is totally supportive of VBACs, even though it is "against hospital policy". This is the doc who the midwives use, so he did my first c-section and delivered #3. He was going to deliver him breech, but the kid was butt down and HUGE, so after laboring all day, I opted for a section. Then my 2nd c/s was a planned unassisted birth at home, but I got very sick with HELLP and had him c/s at 34 weeks. If you've read my posts and birth story on that pregnancy, you know that was probably the hardest day of my life. It was HARD, and I was seriously depressed for a while after that. And that baby, we found out later, has a genetic condition, which is probably why my pregnancy with him was so different. He will be FIVE next month!!!!

I digress.....

So this pregnancy was probably my best one so far, though I was so out of shape, physically. I was on BP meds, but the doctor took really good care of monitoring me and baby, and I felt really, really great! My 5th baby was born full-term, with this same doctor who was willing to wait it out to the end with me, for natural labor and birth. But in the end, after having regular (quick) ultrasounds weekly, we saw that he too was HUGE and was laying transverse (kind of diagonal) with his back down. The.worst.possible.position. UGH. But even then, we decided to go ahead and schedule a c/s, but do one last ultrasound beforehand to see if he'd turned. Nope. The thing is, I know he'd turn some, but he would always fall right back into the same position after I would get up and move around. *sigh*

So Baby Boy was born the day after Thanksgiving via c/s. Everything went really well, completely uneventful. The hospital and staff were WONDERFUL, just as before. In fact, I think there was only one other mother there at the time since it was a holiday weekend, so it was quiet, and they took great care of us!

Not quite as quiet a few days later, when I went back into the hospital for fluid retention and SUPER high blood pressure. I caught it sooner this time since I recognized the symptoms from when this happened after #3 was born. We nipped it in the bud and I was able to go home quickly, and everything was fine after that! The doc doesn't believe it was from the spinal anesthetic, but that's what my gut has been telling me since the first time in 2004. My 2nd c/s was at a different hospital with a different doc and anesthesiologist, so I'm thinking there's something there! I know it's a rare side effect, but it's still a side effect......and I'm pretty rare. LOL!

So this time around (I am 5 weeks pregnant today), I am using the same doctor and hoping for a vaginal birth, but he is very aware (and I will remind him) about the side effects/reaction that I have after a c/s. However, I am going above and beyond this time, in a desperate attempt to have a vaginal birth! I am seeing a ND regularly now, and I have a doula. I am determined to have a natural birth, and I think it will be very healing for me. However, I am also at a place where I understand that maybe my body just still has some healing to do that for whatever reason will force me to have another c/s, and I will accept that. I am just going to do my best to work toward a vaginal birth, and if it happens, then my next one will be at HOME birth, if YHWH blesses us again. :)

Update on pregnancy #6

Wow, I cannot believe I am 33 weeks already! The time seems to have flown by!!! I guess it is because I have 4 other children already to keep me distracted, plus it really has been a super-easy pregnancy. I am so thankful for that!

I am having weekly appointments now. My blood pressure has been creeping up and I am on BP meds for it, but it is holding in the normal range. I have had quite a bit of swelling the last month or so. I know if I could get it off, my BP would go down even more. I don't think I will need to continue the meds once baby is born. It always goes down to normal fairly quickly, although my "normal" has been creeping up over the years. :(

Up until a month ago, I had only gained around 10 pounds. When I went in last week, I had doubled that!!! Yeah, lots of swelling! Yesterday I was back down 3 pounds, so that was nice.

My last two pregnancies I had bursitis in my hips. The only relief I could get, which also helped during the day, was to sleep in a recliner. It was actually quite comfortable! Well, I found out a week ago that sleeping in a reclined position is probably the worst position you can be in when pregnant. It can cause the baby to be breech, and guess what.....they both were! This pregnancy, for some reason, my hips have not bothered me. I have been able to sleep on my side, which is the best position, and this baby is in the PERFECT birth position!!! :) The ultrasound yesterday confirmed it. (It also showed normal response, fluid, etc......absolutely NO concerns!)

Other than being overweight and out of shape, I am feeling really, really good. The doctor seemed surprised when I told him that this pregnancy is going really well and I feel great. I had to tell him again about my last pregnancy when I had the HELLP syndrome and that this one was just so much better! I think he may have been worried it would come back, but at this point in my last pregnancy, I was already so sick. Jack was born at 34 weeks, and I am 33 right now! Praise God for a great pregnancy!!! :)

I am totally preparing for a VBAC. This doctor will deliver VBACs and breech babies, no problem, but he has to abide by hospital regulations. In my case, I am not "allowed" by this hospital to have a VBAC since I have had TWO c-sections in the past. They don't even consider that I previously had two vaginal births. Well, I found out that I can still legally have a VBAC. The laws are in my favor! I don't have to go in at the very last minute or have the baby at home, I can still have a hospital birth. Basically, they cannot force me to have a c-section, so all I have to do is refuse it. The hospital cannot turn me away, and my doctor cannot refuse to see me if it is within 30 days of delivery when I let him know my plans, so there ya go! :)

Oh, I just had a thought! So many women, myself included until a week ago, do not know their rights. I wonder, IF I have a very successful VBAC, if maybe I could help to change hospital policy?! How cool would that be? :)

My hope and prayer is that this labor and delivery, and the remaining few weeks, will go so incredibly well that I will be able to have my home birth someday! I am still striving for that, BUT, after my last experience and my own personal spiritual growth through all of that, it is not quite as important to me as it used to be. I saw my pride, and even though in the end I did do what was best for me and baby, just as I promised I would, I did not like that pride! So I gave it all to God and He has changed my heart on the whole "natural birth" issue. I can still strive for it, and I certainly will, but it is not the end of the world if it doesn't happen. Boy, it sure felt like it last time! :'(

A side note, my youngest actually has a genetic disorder. I'm not sure if that is the best description, but he has a duplication in a small segment of the short arm of his 6th chromosome (6p21.1). It doesn't have a name and little is known about it, but I really, truly believe that is what made my pregnancy with him so different and difficult. No one else in the family appears to have the same thing, so I don't expect any other babies to have it in the future. My hubby and I are going to be tested for it though just to be sure it is not inherited. If one of us is positive, then the geneticist thinks his symptoms may actually be caused from something else that we have not yet discovered, but if we are both negative, then it is highly likely what is causing his symptoms and physical characteristics.

I guess that's all I've got for now! If the rest of the pregnancy continues to go well, my next update might just be a birth story. :)

:)

Announcement!

Well, I woke up two hours ago and can't get back to sleep, so I thought this would be a great time to blog!

I announced this on Facebook, but I don't think I have put this on here yet.......I'M PREGNANT!!! I am 10 weeks and 2 days as of today. The due date is around November 20th, the weekend before Thanksgiving. We are all extremely excited as this will be our biggest gap (Jack will be 3 in June), and we've been waiting on God to bless us again with another teeny babe for what seems like a very long time! Jayla is about to make herself sick because she wants a sister so badly! I think we would all love to have another girl, but another boy would be awesome too! Whatever God has in store for us. :)

I am seeing a doctor this time. I haven't gone to an OB since my 2nd pregnancy! I don't "feel" like there will be anything wrong with this pregnancy, and actually, I feel like it will be pretty normal, more like my first three and not like the last. However, I suddenly feel like I've done my best with a natural home birth (both home birth attempts ended up in c-sections), and the desire to continue that journey has left me. Now my only desire is to focus on a healthy pregnancy and baby. And I feel good about that! I am sad I never got to have a home birth, but I feel like the time for that has come and gone, ya know? And that's okay.

I have had all the normal pregnancy symptoms EXCEPT morning sickness! YEA!!! I was feeling a bit fuzzy-headed for about 3 days a few weeks ago, but I determined it was because of a supplement I was taking that had gone bad. I stopped taking it and was instantly better! Another time I took some prenatal samples from the doctor that made me feel a little nauseous. Once again, I stopped taking them and immediately felt better. So as long as I stick to fresh, good supplements, I am feeling perfectly fine! I am just thoroughly exhausted!! This pregnancy is definitely more like my first three though, so I am hoping, praying and expecting to go full term with a healthy pregnancy and baby! Pray with me!!!

I want to add, the doctor who did my last c/s (the horribly rude one!!!) didn't seem to believe me that it was the first time I had HELLP and that all 4 of my kids had the same father (meaning, I wasn't sleeping around). Well, my current doctor (who happens to be the same one who did my first c/s), asked me the same questions, but at least he was nice about it! He just said something like he'd never heard of it before and it is very rare, or something to that affect. So I'm sure it was just because Jack has some kind of genetic abnormality that my first three did not. This pregnancy is much more like my first three, so I really do expect this one to be normal.

Update about......nothing?

Well, there isn't really much to update since I am not pregnant and Jack is nearly 3 years old now! I did find out some news today though that I wanted to get down here.

I have had two c-sections now. The only hospital in my state that will even allow me to try for a VBAC will consider me high risk, really for at least 3 reasons:

1. I have had TWO c/s
2. I am now 35 years old (like that is a magic number or something?)
3. I am obese.

Now, I know that I can be healthier than I am right now, but I am generally healthy aside from all the excess weight. All my blood work that was done recently came back in the normal range. All of it. I eat pretty healthy, for the most part, and I am not completely sedentary (how could I be with 4 young children?), but I do need to be more active and cut out the bad foods completely. I know I need to exercise too. So there is something I can definitely do about the third thing on this list.

However, those first two I can't change. I can't reverse my age (and my new gray hairs!), and I certainly can't go back in time and undo my c-sections. So I will forever be considered "high risk", which means.......

.....absolutely NO chance EVER for a hospital or midwife (that I know of) VBAC, ever.

So, my only possible chance for a VBAC and a natural birth is if I have my baby at home. That is my only hope! Thankfully my husband trusts me enough (especially after the last pregnancy when I caught and diagnosed my own illness in plenty of time) to let me try this!

There will be stipulations, however, which I completely agree with.

1. I must eat as healthy as possible and exercise and lose weight!
2. I will have a midwife (if I can find one who will see me) or will at least go to the medical doctor every few weeks to check certain things like blood pressure, iron, proteins in the urine, etc.
3. I would like to have a doula just because it will be less stressful for me if I can tell my family that I have support, and doulas greatly decrease the chance of c-sections, etc. This one isn't a "must", but I think I will try to find one who is willing to see me.

Other than that, if I can lose weight and get in better physical shape over all and can find someone who will do the testing every month or so, I will be ready to have another baby......AT HOME!!!! I would still be considered high risk with any future babies even if I do have the "perfect birth" I've always wanted, but if I do finally get that, I'll just go for another perfect home birth again!

I was disappointed when I spoke with the nurse at the hospital today, but I didn't realize how willing my husband was for me to "try" again. I didn't realize how much he really trusted my own intuition and trusts me to really pay attention to my body for signs of anything abnormal. So I guess this is a good thing! I just need to get my body in shape (eat healthier, exercise, lose weight) and seek out a midwife and maybe a doula who will work for me!

On another note, I must be very hormonal today. I cried when I thought my "last hope" (at the time) for that natural birth was gone. Then I heard some horrible news about a family I barely know, and I cannot stop crying! It is very sad news. My heart just breaks for them. :'( But seriously, I barely know them and I just can't get a hold of myself! I know they will be fine, but I am so, so sad for them.

Jack's birth story

Some abbreviations you may need to refer to while reading this:

UP - unassisted pregnancy

UC - unassisted childbirth

m/c - miscarriage, miscarried

c/s - cesarean section

VBAC - vaginal birth after cesarean

LOL - laughing outloud

u/s - ultrasound

btw - by the way

IRL - in real life


Jasper Deacon (a.k.a. Jack) was born on June 27th at 9:32pm. He weighed 4 lbs. 7 ounces and was 19" long!


Jack is 16 days old today. I have not written the birth story yet because it has been a lot for me to process, but I do want to get it down while it is fresh in my mind. It has been a very emotional two weeks for me. I am thankful that he and I are both healthy, but he is still not home and the birth was completely opposite of what I wanted, so it's been a big, HUGE feeling of loss for me. A loss of my planned birth and a loss of time with my baby to bond and get to know each other.


I am going to be pouring out my emotions in this story, so for those of you who know me well IRL, mostly family, don't take this personally in any way. I am just going to be very open and vulnerable here, but no offense is intended. I don't have any hard feelings toward anyone, even though it may sound that way at times. I'm just wearing my heart on my sleeve here and letting everything be seen. I'm not sure if I'm really ready for it or not.



Where do I even start.....

Unassisted pregnancy


If you've read the previous entries in this blog (or if you already know me well), you know that I have planned to have a UP for these last two pregnancies. Even though the pregnancy last year ended in miscarriage, it was very empowering to me because I went through it with no outside intervention even though my family tried hard to persuade me to go to the hospital. I m/c at 10.5 weeks, so I would not have been far enough along anyway to have even seen a midwife or doctor if I wanted to. I never went to have a D&C, and the next day I had tons of energy and felt great. I never got any infection since there was no outside interference. The whole process confirmed that I really could do it on my own (it was real, true labor!), and I still believe I can for a full-term birth as well.....but I didn't get a chance to this time.


If you don't know what a UP or UC is, it is simply the pregnant woman taking charge of her own health care without a doctor or midwife. That is exactly what I did for the pregnancy even though it ended in a way I did not plan for since I got sick. Women were designed to give birth, and in a natural setting with no outside interference, there is very little risk to the mom and baby. I kept telling everyone around me, most of whom were skeptical and afraid of my decision, that I would go to the doctor if I needed to. I proved that I would, and everything turned out fine in the end. I listened to my body and followed my instincts (something many women don't know how to do because they just listen to the doctor or midwife and don't ask questions....I was there before too). I knew something was wrong, so I went to the doctor at 33 weeks after putting myself on bedrest for the previous 2 weeks. They did not catch the actual problem until one week later, but looking back, I had eaten a MUCH healthier diet that last week and had no symptoms of my sickness like I had been having, so I think it was good he had an extra week! You can read the previous two entries to get all the details of my sickness before I knew exactly what it was. They were both written 2 days after my first appointment, so 5 days before I got a diagnosis and he was born. It may be a little more detail than you want! LOL!


The day of the birth--The doctor visit


Oh, man. What a tough day emotionally! I would have gone in the day before, but it was raining so much that the roads to my parents' house were flooding and eroding away, so my parents thought it was best to wait. (My dad was going to watch the kids while my mom came with me.) So, in order to avoid that (hopefully), I left as early as I could the next morning before it started raining again.


I dropped off the kids and got down to the clinic around 10:30, I think. I did a urine test which I found out later I had some protein spilling into it. Then they did a u/s on my gall bladder which confirmed that I do have a gallstone. (Incidentally, it has not bothered me much at all since the birth....only if I have too much fat at once, like the nuts I had yesterday!)


They finally did some blood work, which they had not done the week before. I was going to request it if the doctor had not ordered it for me, because I knew there could be another problem, and I needed to find out for sure. At this point I was still planning on a UC....but then the blood test results came in.


The bad news


I had the HELLP syndrome, which is a rare form of preeclampsia. It stands for H-hypertension, EL-elevated liver enzymes, LP-low platelets, and it can lead to DIC in which one can actually bleed to death from every opening in the body! It came on very quickly and can progress very quickly, like in a matter of just a few days! It is very serious.


I have to throw this in here....I am certain that, had I gone to a midwife or doctor, they would not have caught this any sooner than I did. They didn't catch it the week before, did they?! I had just recently tested my own blood pressure not long before I started having the symptoms, probably after my swelling had started, and it was just fine! If I had been going to a doctor or midwife, when everything is fine they always say "Keep doing what you're doing!", but if something isn't quite right, they usually say something like "Put your feet up and take care of yourself, and we'll see what it's doing next month." At their BEST they may schedule an extra appointment in two weeks instead of waiting a month, but that doesn't happen often. I know because I've seen two different doctors and one midwife in my previous pregnancies, and they all said/did the same things! (Btw, I did consult with a midwife several times via phone and email to get her opinion on things. She was very helpful, but mostly confirmed what I already knew and was doing.) Well, with this sickness, a lot can happen in one month, so I would likely have had to go in between regular visits anyway! I am confident that by taking charge of my own health, I had a stronger sense that something was wrong and probably actually had a better chance than I would have by going to the doctor or midwife. I know many will disagree with that, but when you put your trust in the "medical professional" and they tell you to either keep it up or wait until next month, you're just not quite as "in tune" when something is actually wrong. If the professional doesn't seem all that concerned, why should I? That is the mindset many people have who put all their trust for their own health care in a doctor's hands. I think doctors have their place (I saw them twice for a diagnosis!), but when everything is fine, they really are not needed. I use them mostly for diagnosis and maybe the occasional prescription, but otherwise I prefer to treat the occasional sickness my own way. If that doesn't work, then I'll go to a naturopath and then the doctor last. We don't get sick around here much though! (It's kind of ironic that we have all been sick this week! LOL! I'm sure it is just allergies though, nothing serious.)


So, the doctor himself came in to tell me the test results and what it all meant. He and the nurses all thought I was crazy that I had not been seeing anyone for my entire pregnancy, but I asked them "I'm seeing someone now, aren't I?" and I think that was enough for them to hear! LOL! Even though I knew they disagreed with my decision as well, at least they were happy I had come in since something was wrong. I did what I said I was going to do all along, and that was go to the doctor "if I needed to", and I did, so I went! I still took flack (mostly from looks on people's faces whom I knew well) for not having any prenatal care this whole time, but.....refer to the paragraph above!


The doctor was kind of funny. He was very laid back and soft spoken, but his words were very urgent and serious. They didn't match, and I just thought that was funny. He basically told me what I had and how serious it could get in just a matter of 2 or 3 days. He recommended that I be taken via ambulance to a hospital in the city for delivery, but it was my decision! What?! It was all so sudden! I just wanted to know if I had a gallstone, that's all, really! Oh, I wanted to keep Jack inside me for at least two more weeks! I knew what I had to do, but I couldn't voice my decision because it was just so hard for me to accept. I am crying again now just thinking about that day. It was so hard. I did not want to have him that early, and I really wanted a home birth, but I knew it couldn't happen now.


The transfer


It was just a matter of waiting on the ambulance guys now. The nurse called the only hospital in the state who allows VBACs, but they did not have a room!!! So I had to go to another hospital where the care was excellent, but they did not allow a woman to have a VBAC. I likely would not have had one anyway because my blood pressure at this point was sky high! I had an IV of magnesium to help bring it down. It helped some, but they also gave me some kind of medication several times to help bring it down. Man, I sure did not want all that!


The ambulance ride was not fun, but James and Joe were easy to talk to and kept me company and took my blood pressure every few minutes during the two hour drive. I only remember their names because they both start with 'J', just like all our kids. :) I don't remember which one was which though! LOL! The one in the back with me also has a 2yo son, so we were comparing notes. Somehow we got to talking about military too and military sleeping bags, camping, etc. I don't remember how we got off on that! Both of the guys also worked other jobs at fire stations! What great guys they were. They had paperwork to do before they left, so they were still in my room for a few minutes. When they left though, they both came over to me and said good bye and wished me luck. In such a traumatic time, I guess I felt some sort of bond to them or something. LOL! It WAS a really long ride there! Myles was happy to know they took good care of me. :)


The delivery


It was a whirlwind of activity when we arrived at the hospital around 7:30pm. I had tons of questions to answer, forms to sign, the doctor to talk to. The doctor was VERY rude at first impression. I told him my wishes and added to each thing "unless medically necessary". Well, he didn't seem to even notice that I said that, because he tried to explain (very rudely, as if I was a moron) why I couldn't have my wishes. I hadn't signed anything either, but I don't think that would have made much difference since I had a preemie and apparently everything is out the window with preemies! So annoying! And my blood pressure was already high! He certainly was not helping with that!


The nurses weren't too bad. I distinctly remember one young nurse who was "nice" but not really very compassionate. When I asked her (I think after the c/s) if I could see my baby that night, she very flatly said "No." (Geesh! A little respect and compassion can make you a much more likeable person and a better nurse, lady!)


I was prepped for surgery and he was born at 9:32pm. I saw him for MAYBE five seconds before they whisked him off to NICU. I must have told Myles 100 times before now to STAY WITH THE BABY, so he made sure he did! Good guy! :) I honestly don't even know yet what all they did to him (we plan to get a copy of his medical records), but I think they gave him the drops in his eyes after I asked them not to. They may not have, but I think they did. The doctor tried to tell me it was mandatory. I understand them taking a sample of his blood to make sure there were no illegal drugs in his system, but beyond that I have the right as his mom to refuse certain things, and they did not honor my request. Most of the routine things would not change whether it is a preemie or full-term!


Btw, it didn't occur to me until days later that the doctor might have been rude to me because he sees "my kind" all the time. He is the one doctor who sees all the transfers who usually have no insurance, no prenatal care and probably a lot of moms who are drug addicts! I'm sure he assumed that, since I had no prenatal care, I was probably on drugs. He still should not have treated me the way he did, but at least it made more sense. Also, he was a little nicer to me during the surgery. I think I remember him trying to make a joke or something. He was probably trying to help me relax since I was undergoing major surgery! I did notice too that he got a little nicer as the days went by, so maybe he realized that I wasn't the typical woman that he normally sees. Boy, I sure feel sorry for those other women!


Throughout this whole ordeal, I was still very emotional. I knew there was no going back. I knew this is what I had to do, but in doing so, I was also giving up my gentle home birth with low lights, no noise, probably in the water, not cutting the cord right away, nursing immediately, etc. It just didn't seem fair. Plus I did not want another c/s! I developed pulmonary edema after the last one which led to pneumonia, and I was afraid it would happen again. Praise God it did not!!! Anyway, even as the anesthesiologist was giving me the spinal tap, I had tears streaming down my face. It was hard, I'm telling you! The only reason I am writing that here is just so anyone who reads this can hopefully understand better what this is like, even if you do not agree with UP or UC. It tore me up to give up that "perfect birth" which I know I am capable of! I felt defeated and weak. It was hard. It was hard. Wow, it was hard!


After the birth


I have no idea how long Myles stayed with Jack. I don't think I even asked him what they did to him, because at that point, I didn't want to know. I figured if they're going to do things to him anyway even though I ask them not to, I don't want to know about it, at least not right then.


I had some great nurses taking care of me. I couldn't get out of bed for quite a while. It was already night time and I'd had a long day, so I just slept. The next day I didn't need pain meds at all because of my hormones! LOL! I felt so great and had tons of energy! (It really set in the next day though!) I finally got up sometime around noon-ish and went to the bathroom and cleaned up a little, and then I got to go see Jack!!! My mom pushed me in a wheelchair. (She had stayed all night with me while my dad still had the kids. They were great!) At this point only the nurses had held him. I didn't even wait for their permission.....as soon as I saw him, I burst into tears and held out my hands and said "Give me my baby!!! I want to hold my baby!" I certainly had not planned on that reaction! Wow, those hormones are powerful! LOL!


He was so beautiful. I didn't want to let him go. He had a feeding tube in his mouth that first time I saw him, but he was only getting IV fluids. He had already been taken off of the CPAP (forced oxygen, or something like that) at about 10 hours old, so he was doing very well. The rest of the hospital stay, I went to go see him as often as possible every 3 hours when it was time for him to "eat". I was pumping like crazy, but it was frustrating because in the beginning I'd pump for half an hour and get THREE DROPS! Good grief! I'm getting several ounces/day now, just enough to meet his needs, so it did improve. :) I couldn't hold him every time though. I think they let me hold him twice/day in the beginning. He got all his feedings through a tube in his nose. It was several days before they even offered him a bottle, and for some reason I wasn't ready to try nursing.....probably because I don't like people gawking at me! LOL! I mean, I know I've never had a preemie before, but I've nursed 3 babies, one of them for 15 months (would have been longer if I could have), so I think I can figure things out on my own! I have since tried nursing him about three times so far, and he did great! There was one time he swallowed really big about half a dozen times! I am pleased for now. We'll work on it more when he comes home. It is my goal to be exclusively nursing ASAP, and to nurse as long as I can!


Since I was discharged


The doctor (not the rude one) asked me on Friday (2 days after birth) how I felt about going home the next day. I told him, since he asked, "To be honest, I'd like to stay as long as possible since my baby is still going to be here." He simply replied, "Okay, we'll send you home on Sunday!" Easy enough! Then two nurses told me I could stay all the way up to midnight, so I did!


Ever since then we have gone to visit him in NICU twice/day, at 11am and 5pm. Our routine is to go in at the top of the hour and take his temperature, change his diaper and feed him if he is getting a bottle (which, since earlier this week, he gets a bottle each time and as of today no longer has his tube in). He sure is a snuggler. :) I just love to sit and hold him!


That next weekend Myles got sick, which we believe now was just allergies, but he ended up just staying home with the other three while I stayed at the hospital from 11am to about 6pm after his 5pm feeding. Oh, how I loved that! But this weekend I am sick (I believe it is also allergies....and my voice is gone right now!), so I haven't seen him in two days. :'( Fortunately he will likely be coming home on Sunday since he is now taking a bottle for every feeding. I plan to hold him as much as I possibly can. I have 2.5 weeks to make up for! I just want to sit down with him and cry until I can't cry anymore. He needs to be here with his mommy and the rest of his family. We want him home! Hopefully by the time most people read this, he will be! :)


Latest update


We just called for another update. He only gained 1 gram today. ONE GRAM! LOL! I just thought that was funny since he normally gains at least 1/2 an ounce and sometime a little over an ounce each day! He is taking all of his bottles (I think the nurses are working him harder since his tube is not in), so it's been almost a day and a half! They want them to take all the bottles for 24-48 hours before they discharge, so tomorrow afternoon at 2pm will make 2 days worth of feedings in which he has taken all of them! The doctor who is there during the week told us that the other doctor will probably discharge him on Sunday morning, so we will be there bright and early! The other two criteria he had to meet before discharge are holding his own temperature in an open crib and maintaining and gaining weight steadily. He's been doing both for several days now.


Processing it all


All in all, now that this is about over and we are about to settle into a new "normal" for our family of 6, it hasn't been that horrible of an experience. It just wasn't what I planned, and I sure hated the c/s and the fact that Jack is separated from me. It's just not right! Writing this all out has really helped me, but I know that if I'd written it before now, I would have had a lot of anger coming through (I still do some). I was MAD at everyone! I felt like no one supported my decisions even though when it came down to it, I did what was best for me and Jack. I felt very alone. I still feel this way to some degree, but the further I get away from that day, the better I feel. It will just take time. I know that not all my feelings are true, but it is just how I have perceived things....it's just how I have felt throughout it all, whether it is fact or my imagination.


I'd really like to have more kids, but we may wait a while. We don't do anything unnatural to prevent pregnancy, so I'm sure we'll have more children someday. I don't feel like we're done either. I'm certainly not wanting another baby yet since Jack is only two weeks old and not even home yet, but I just don't feel like he is going to be our last. I don't feel like our family is complete yet. I would very much like to have a UC if possible, but if I were to decide right now, I'd probably choose a doctor or midwife simply because my pregnancy was stressful without the emotional support that I needed. The only thing about that is, since I've now had 2 c/s, I'd probably not be given an opportunity to have a VBAC no matter how healthy the pregnancy is! I hate it! There is more risk involved in MAJOR SURGERY than there is in a VBAC, but insurance won't cover them, and doctors don't carry their own insurance for VBACs. So annoying. So I am still open to having a VBAC at home and maybe get the UC I've been hoping for, but at this point, I just don't know. I will definitely need to find some regular, good emotional support IRL before I can try it again. Either that or I'll just have to learn to tune other people out and not care what they think. I hate to do that though, because I really do respect what other people who are close to me have to say, whether I agree or disagree with them. It will be a while, so we'll see what happens.


Now if I can just find the time to write Jacob's birth story before I forget all the details! They'll be out of order, but oh well!

pregnancy woes update

So I went to the doctor just to rule out placenta previa, which was my biggest concern. Long story short, the ultrasound looked *perfect* (Jack is looking to be around 8 pounds or so!), and the urine test came back normal. My blood pressure was good while laying on my left side (134/65), but high while sitting up (when Mom took it later in the afternoon). I was told by people I trust not to worry about it as long as the one on my left side is good, but it did concern me at first.

I have been researching other possibilities online in an effort to self-diagnose whatever the problem was. The closest I can come up with is toxemia or possibly preeclampsia. However, yesterday morning's "episode" was so much lighter and shorter.....much more tolerable. Then today I didn't even wake up! NOTHING HAPPENED! I was so relieved to be able to sleep soundly for nearly 5 hours! In fact, I slept so well that I got up to go pee (otherwise I would have slept longer) and then couldn't get back to sleep because of all the energy I have!

Basically, the reason I am seeing such dramatic results so quickly is because I have been very aggressive with certain things. I have made sure to get plenty of rest (I am almost bored to tears), plenty of water and I am taking Hawthorn Berry for the blood pressure, though I may not really need it apparently. It won't hurt me though. I believe the main thing that is working for me though is my diet change. I've been saying all along that I need to "go raw", but I keep making up excuses (some legitimate, but still workable) as to not do it. Well, after my scare this week, I cannot afford NOT to go raw. So I am consuming a 100% raw vegan diet, and I am already feeling a world of difference! My hip pain is even barely noticeable after just one day!!! Myles asked me this morning if I think I could sleep in the bed again soon (I've been sleeping in a recliner for relief), and I told him I probably can if I continue my plan. He laughed and said "I may not want you to now!" LOL! I think he's enjoying having that king size Tempurpedic all too himself a little too much!

I plan to go back to the doctor again next week just to get a more thorough urine test and some blood tests. It can't hurt, and it's free for me! So I think that's about it for now. I'll update again in the next few days. :)

pregnancy woes

If I continue with what I've been doing, I will keep getting what I've been getting, and that is not good! Here is an email I sent to some friends two days ago with an explanation of what has been going on, followed by an update.

-------------------------
I am about 33 weeks pregnant now. Two weekends ago I had some bleeding that started on Friday night. I thought it was gone by Saturday afternoon, but then I finally stopped seeing any signs of spotting at all on Monday morning of last week, so it was maybe a little over 48 hours. I basically put myself on bed rest as much as possible and started taking prenatal vitamins and liquid chlorophyll regularly, which I had planned to do anyway but wasn't doing. I think they both helped, but especially the chlorophyll.

Now I have been having some blood clots/very light spotting for the last 4 mornings after nearly a week of nothing at all. I don't know why it is always in the morning, but once it passes, I feel just fine and the rest of the day is great! I feel back to normal with no other abnormal symptoms or any kind of discharge, but then it happens again the next morning. (sigh) Here are the symptoms:
contractions off and on for probably a month, but more noticeable in the last couple of weeks
during the bleeding the weekend before last, I was having lower, crampy contractions, but now they are more normal (Braxton-Hicks)
I haven't been sleeping well....I wake up in the middle of the night (like right now) with a back ache which also extends around the sides a little. This is my middle to upper back like where my bra band goes around me. (The placenta is along the right side, in case you need to know that!) I slept better Monday night/Tuesday morning with my bra on, but this time it didn't help. :(
I am having hormonal symptoms like hot, cold, hot, cold, etc. with the occasional nausea that actually led to throwing up a couple of times. Afterward I felt fine for the rest of the day.
The clots themselves are pretty small. The first one on Sunday morning was the biggest, but it was smaller (maybe half the size) of a golf ball.
Contractions are slowing down in frequency (they are never regular) and are not as noticeable.
Baby is still bouncing around just fine!
Sometimes I feel like I need to have a BM and I have at times which seems to help temporarily, but I have not been constipated at all. In fact, sometimes it is the opposite, I think because of the chlorophyll. But going to the bathroom is only a temporary relief. :(
Oh, and when my back is hurting like this right now, it is hard to breathe and nearly impossible to get comfortable!
Headache on Sunday and Monday, which finally led me to take some Ibuprofen on Monday evening (bad, I know, but the only thing that gives me relief!)
Swelling for a couple of months now
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The rest of the email was just expressing my concerns and asking questions. I'll update in another entry.

Two pregnancy dreams

The first was a few weeks ago. In my dream Baby Jack was a few days (maybe 2-3 weeks) old and didn't want to nurse. He was gaining weight just fine, but I couldn't get him to nurse! Finally one day I caught my best friend and my mom spoon-feeding him formula!!! Well, once that little problem was taken care of, he nursed just fine. In the dream I could even see breast milk running down from the side of his mouth! :) He also looked very much like Jonathan. It was a funny, but really cool dream.

The second was last night. I am planning an unassisted birth. In my dream I was out in the pasture behind our house. (We live in the city, but in my dream we were in the country.) The pasture was actually not even our land, but for some reason I was out there doing something! (?) I felt labor start and progress pretty quickly and felt like it wouldn't be long until he was born. The whole labor was almost completely painless, and I didn't feel like I "needed" anyone or anything at the time, so I just gave birth by myself out there in the field! Just a few minutes after he was born, Myles came out and found me, along with the newborn baby, and was naturally surprised! I just giggled and told him everything was fine and I didn't need him! LOL! About that time the kids all came running out, following Daddy, and then we all walked back to the house together, just going on with our daily family life. It was weird that I gave birth in a field by myself that didn't even belong to us, but other than that it was a cool dream! :)

Ultrasounds for pregnancy #5

It's a.....
(click pictures to enlarge)



BABY!!!

Oh, but you knew that. Okay, it's a

BOY!!!

His name is Jasper Deacon, and we will call him Jack. :)




Can you tell? :) Let me help you with this one! LOL! It was actually pretty clear while we were seeing it in real time, maybe because he was moving, but these still shots are a little more difficult to decipher.

Okay, the big blob in the middle is the placenta. His head is laying in the middle at the bottom of the picture. You can actually see his eyelids, nose and mouth facing you! It is hard (for me) to make out the details of his lower body, so I'm not sure exactly how he is laying, but his boy parts are sort of triangular looking and kind of pointing toward the placenta! LOL!

I was actually surprised! This has been the sickest pregnancy I've ever had, so I just KNEW I was having a girl! I guess that blows my theory out of the water! LOL!

The picture at the top is pretty clear. It is a 4-D picture of the right side of his face. He has his right arm curled around his chin, and both hands are at his forehead.....and he is SMILING! We actually saw him smile. :) We also saw him PEE, and she said that was very rare, but unfortunately for us it was at the beginning before she was doing pictures and video. It was pretty funny though. :) She made a comment about that being "proof" that his bladder is working well. It was also proof that we were indeed looking at his boy parts, and he is indeed a boy!

He stretched his legs out a few times. His thighs are on the right and feet on the left.



Here are his feet. One is behind the other, so it looks like he has about 7 toes on one foot. LOL!



This 4-D picture is of his legs, crossed at the feet. His thighs are on the top left, knees are behind the placenta, and his right foot is crossed behind the left. Look at that long foot!



This one is a little blurry. He is looking down toward his right hand with the left fist in front of his face.



This one is a similar position, but he has his mouth open. :)



A clear picture of his spine. Near the lower right of the picture you can see where the spine connects to his tale bone. What a little bottom!



Here is another picture of his legs crossed at the ankles, but in this one his knee is in front of the placenta.



Those are the best of the pictures I have. For some reason the ones I got of Jacob (from the same lady) were blurry, so I wasn't able to do anything with any of them. :( I'm glad these turned out really well though. They all look exactly like they did on the monitor we were viewing. I wish my computer had a DVD drive so I could put a little video on here too!

So for the important stuff, basically everything looks perfect! She showed us how everything looks perfectly normal and is working correctly, and then he peed to prove it. LOL! He was a little wiggly, but not too much that he was giving us problems. :) The placenta was right over his face, so we almost didn't even do the 4-D, but she managed to get a few of him after all when he turned his head. He seemed content the whole time, holding his hands near his face and smiling. He's a sweet boy. :) He looks like he'll be a cuddly one just like his brothers. :)

Jayla and I were really hoping for a girl, but I have to tell you, it hasn't taken me long to accept that he's a boy. I'm getting more and more excited just thinking about holding him, and Jayla has already made a comment that she can't wait to help take care of him. :) I'm sure way before he is born (maybe by bedtime tonight!), we'll forget all about wanting a girl and be totally smitten with this little one.

My other boys measured 2-4 weeks ahead the entire pregnancy, and even the u/s showed close to two weeks ahead, but this little guy is lined up perfectly with his "due date". His weight is even right on target at 1 lb. 11 oz. She gave me the due date of August 9th and I've been saying August 10th, so I think I'll just leave it alone! I'm actually just starting to tell people "sometime in August" since you never know when a baby will come. Anyway, it looks like I might actually have an average size baby for a change! Jonathan was 9-2, Jayla was 6-3 and Jacob was 10-3! Oh, and he's already head-down too, the first one I've seen head-down during my u/s! I just pray he stays that way!

Random thoughts

Random thoughts before I get started I just want to write down my birth experiences for myself right now, but I may share them with others once I am done. This blog is about my journey to the kind of birth I greatly desire; a truly natural birth with no drugs or intervention of any kind and where I am completely comfortable and completely (or almost completely) pain-free. I know it is possible because I've read of other women having this "perfect" experience so many times, so why can't I?

Right now I am pregnant with baby #4 (after an unassisted miscarriage last year, which I will talk about later), and I plan on this one being unassisted/unattended. I am reading lots of books and birth stories and I feel like I am mentally ready. Now I just need to focus on a healthier diet and exercise so I can also be physically ready. I also need to work on the spiritual aspect, although I don't know that how close I am or feel to God actually reflects on how the birth will turn out. It's something I need to focus on anyway though, and it definitely couldn't hurt in relation to the labor and birth! I'm sure it does help in some aspects, now that I think about it.

So, as I get some time, I will write down from memory my experiences with my previous pregnancies and labor/deliveries. Enjoy the read, and I truly hope that my experiences will help someone someday as so many others have helped me!

Pregnancy #4 - miscarriage at 10 1/2 weeks

Okay, so here's the gory details.......

I started bleeding on Saturday afternoon. It definitely made me nervous, but I think 'scared' was a little too strong a word. I was a little scared Sunday though. I wasn't bleeding very heavily, so I thought that maybe I could save this baby as long as the baby itself was doing okay. So I put myself on bed rest (as much as I could stand it) all day Sunday and most of Monday.

I went to the doctor on Monday morning thinking I might be able to get an ultrasound. This was a free clinic (the OKC Indian clinic) and I didn't have an appointment, so the nurse called me back to ask me some questions (routine), and she was so cold and insensitive. She basically told me that since I wasn't bleeding very much, it's perfectly normal and I should just go home and only come in if I'm bleeding out huge clots. I tried to tell her that I didn't feel like this was normal, especially compared to my previous 3 pregnancies, but hey, she's the "medical professional", so she should know more about my body than I should, right??? (I was so irritated at her!) There was nothing she or the doctor could've done about it anyway, I just wish she had been more sensitive!

My mom had watched the kids for me, so she ended up taking the youngest two with her. My plan was to come down after violin class this morning (obviously we didn't go to class). My parents are going to keep them for another night, and my oldest and I will join them tomorrow and probably spend tomorrow night there. Anyway, that was a really big help not having to worry about the two of them. My oldest can get his own food/water and entertain himself pretty easily, so we just watched Superman cartoons (on DVD) and I let him eat cashews and dates (a special treat) all afternoon. I actually slept through most of the cartoons, but he said he really enjoyed his "Mommy time".

Last night I started having minor cramps. I thought it might be contractions, but I wasn't sure (I think I was in denial). They started getting stronger, but I was still able to sleep through them. At about 2am I repositioned and felt a gush of blood, so I jumped up and went to the bathroom. That was when I passed the first HUGE clot/tissue......whatever it was. It was jelly-like. Over the course of the next 3 hours I passed more large masses of tissue of some sort. I never saw anything that looked anything at all like a baby, so I am thinking it could have been a molar pregnancy. (Another reason I think that is because from the very beginning my pregnancy tests have been very, very light, like the hormone was barely detectable. I may never know for sure what that meant, but I just feel like something was wrong from the very beginning. I was only raw for about 2 weeks when I conceived, so I still had a lot of the same health issues that I had before. I'm confident it had absolutely nothing to do with diet or detoxing though.)

I had no idea what to expect during a miscarriage! I had no idea I'd be going through the whole 9 yards of labor! It wasn't quite as painful as my full-term labors, but I'm wondering if that may partly be due to my raw diet. I did have some pain, more than I was prepared for, but it was tolerable. I did get nauseous and threw up at one point. I asked Myles to bring me some water and by the time he got back with it (a minute later?) I was throwing up and didn't want any! LOL! Then a little bit later I was fine and got a drink. Next thing I remember was I was EXTREMELY light-headed and about to pass out, so he helped me get back to the recliner couch, and I was so much more comfortable. I didn't pass out, thank goodness. After I made it back to the couch, I still had a few more contractions, but nothing major. They quickly subsided and I was able to sleep a few more hours (from about 5am-8am). I passed a bit more when I woke up, but that was the last of it as of right now.

As soon as Jonathan woke up and had something to eat, he walked down to my FIL's house. My FIL had him for about 3 hours. I was fine by then, and Myles stayed home from work (he knew he'd better....lol), but it was still fun for Jonathan and easier on us without him here. We just relaxed a while longer (okay, we were LAZY!).

I am feeling great right now, but I know that can change, so I'm watching for that both physically and emotionally. I called the nurse that I saw yesterday. I told her everything that happened, and I really don't think she believed me. She acted like I should be bleeding every drop of blood in my body for it to be a viable miscarriage!!! I told her I'd been taking liquid chlorophyll which raised my iron/hemoglobin level and therefore reduced the bleeding, but she still didn't believe me. I felt like reaching through the phone and slapping her, but that wouldn't have done any good.

On a positive note, I had been planning all along to have an unassisted pregnancy (no doctor or midwife) and an unassisted birth at home. I felt really empowered and learned to trust my instincts and my body more as a result of this labor/miscarriage. I definitely didn't want the pregnancy to end, but at least I can get some good out of it, I guess. I also chose not to get a d&c. Myles was a little upset with me but was mostly concerned for my health. In the end, he agreed to let me do it my own way and that I would be open to a d&c should something abnormal come up in the next few days. Otherwise, I think I convinced him it wasn't necessary and could cause many other problems. (After my 2nd was born, the doctor had pulled on the umbilical cord [intervention] which led to a d&c [more intervention], but they didn't get it all! I had to have an anti-biotic [more intervention] and passed more of the placenta on my own [naturally] after 8 days!)

So, that's where I'm at right now. I'm feeling fine for the time being, and at this point I don't think there was a baby there. Anastazia, you're right though that we had hopes and dreams of another baby being part of our family in October. So even though we may not have lost a baby, we did lose hope. I guess that's not easy either, but with friends like all of you praying and offering support in whatever way possible, and through God's strength and love, we'll be just fine.

Thank you again, and seriously, I don't mind talking about it, so feel free to ask me anything. I only say this because when I've had friends who have miscarried, I never know what is okay to say or not to say. So ask me anything you want. If I'm really emotional at some point, I'll just be sure to not get on the computer at that time!

So, today I still feel about the same. I feel great physically and emotionally so far, but I am on alert just in case my emotions start to go crazy! I'll try to come here and post my thoughts and feelings over the next few days in addition to what I am eating. Honestly, I haven't been doing too well with raw lately, but it's what I really, truly want. I know I can do it.

Oh, and a friend of mine suggested that maybe I had a "blighted ovum" instead of a molar pregnancy. I did a little research online, and since they seem similar at a glance and the blighted ovum is much more common, that's probably what it was. But that's really just a guess from what I saw with my own eyes. I never went to the doctor or hospital.

Pregnancy/baby #3, Jacob!

Now that Jacob is about to turn EIGHT years old, I am finally writing down his birth story! Obviously I am not going to remember all the details or everything that I was thinking at the time, but I will do my best. Here it goes.....

I remember taking some natural supplements for maybe a couple of weeks or so before the birth. I knew he was going to be "big", so I didn't really want to go past my due date.....but I wanted to wait until I went into labor and not be induced, for my first time! So finally, 4 days after my due date, something finally worked! I don't remember where I read this at the time because I can't find it anywhere now, but I had read that sometimes rubbing the inner thighs vigorously will stimulate contractions. I can't remember if we tried it unsuccessfully before then or not (I don't think so), but it definitely worked this time. I immediately started having some contractions, but nothing major and nothing intense. This was in the evening, so I just went to bed.

I woke up on the morning of the 10th with contractions that I KNEW were the "real thing". It was about 5:30 AM, so my husband called in to work and stayed with me all day. :) So far the contractions were definitely bearable, so I was kind of enjoying it at this point, as it was my first home birth and the first time I went into labor on my own, but I definitely couldn't sleep through them.

Again, I don't remember many details now, so this will be short.

I know at some point, my parents came to get the other two kids so I wouldn't have to worry about them. I would probably have wanted to keep them there if I had the decision to make NOW, but at that time, being my first home birth, they were only 2 and 4, so I'm sure they were happier at my parents' house.

Labor progressed, but the contractions never really got regular, as I expected them to. Sometimes they would be just a few minutes apart (maybe 5 or so), then they would be 20 minutes apart. Some lasted 45 seconds while others lasted 2 minutes!!!! I learned afterwards (at some point) that this can be a variation of "normal" for many women. I wish I'd known that before! The only thing the "professionals" ever tell you is to wait until they are 5 minutes apart and last for 1 minute each! I know with my first two inductions, I wasn't considered in "regular, active labor" until they were steady contractions, with the same amount of time between each contraction and all lasting about the same length of time. And the pitocin really did it for me too. Ouch! But this labor was not text book.

So as the day went on, these contractions DID actually have a pattern. One interval was 15-20 minutes, lasting close to 2 minutes long, and the next interval would be between 2-5 minutes, lasting about 45 seconds. So I would have one long and intense contraction and then one shorter and more bearable (I could breathe and relax through!) contraction. This went on for HOURS, of course, and they did get a little closer together and more intense.

I had the "fishy pool" to birth in, and I LOOOOOOVED it! At least my head did. My body didn't seem to do well with it. I had always heard that contractions were less intense and more comfortable in the water, because it was a natural pain reliever, but I reacted exactly the opposite. When I tried to get in the water 2 or 3 times, I didn't last long because my contractions got MUCH more intense, and they were all back to back. I didn't have time to relax at all! :( It must have been the last time I was in the water, my bag of waters broke.....first time on its own! I was so relieved about that. It looked good (the midwife was there by this point), so no concerns with it.

Shortly after this, I tried laying on the bed, since the water didn't work for me. Oh, I hated that bed! It was not comfortable at all! Actually, by this point I don't think any position was very comfortable! The one good thing I remember about laying there though was that the midwife actually taught me how to relax, how to truly relax during a contraction. She would just watch my eyebrows, and any time I would start to tighten up my face even the slightest bit, she would rub my forehead and softly say, "No, no, no, shhhhh.....relax. Breathe slowly and deeply." I didn't think it was possible, but I got it! And WOW, it really did work! It was extra challenging for the longer, more intense contractions, but I did it! That was encouraging!

I have to add here, we had no idea what was going on outside of our house. We knew there was a storm coming, but we weren't watching the news or calling anyone to keep up with it. There were storms all the time, so no big deal! We were inside where it was safe and warm! Well, sometime that afternoon the tornado sirens had gone off!!!! My husband ran to the other room to turn the TV on. I'm glad we were not in the path, but the tornado was only a couple of miles north of us! In November!!! And to this day, the midwife remembers and laughs about that. :) I think it is funny that I brought a little "tornado" into the world on a day when we had a tornado in our town! Haha!

It was probably around this time (sometime in the afternoon) that she checked me, since it seemed the baby hadn't even dropped yet. Sure enough, he was still very high (she could barely touch him), and she wasn't feeling his head. Uh, oh! What does that mean? She said she thought she was feeling his butt! Oh no!!!! So she called the other midwife, and a little while later she arrived and confirmed it. He was breech with his butt down.

So now we had some other things to consider. By now I was VERY discouraged and just plain TIRED. My options were to deliver breech at home, which wasn't really looking like a good possibility for me, or deliver breech at the hospital or a c/s at the hospital. I remember the midwives going outside to talk about it themselves (what was that about?!), and then ultimately it was my decision. At this point though, I just wanted this baby OUT!

By now it was dark, and the ride to the hospital was horrible. I felt every.single.bump. I was still hoping to deliver him breech, and they even hooked me up to pitocin to help "regulate" those contractions (!!!), but as they were about to start it, they did a quick ultrasound and determined he was probably over 10 pounds. I was so tired of them messing with me while having intense contractions, and fearful of him being breech AND big, that I gave in to a c-section. It was only a few contractions later that the spinal anesthetic took effect and I could finally relax. Ahhhhh!!!!

The next thing I remember is being cut open (I couldn't see it though, I just thought it was so strange!) and seeing my baby as they lifted him up to my view. I think they brought him to my face so I could kiss him. Yep, he was a BIG baby for sure! :) He weighed in at 10lbs. 3 ozs. with a 14 1/2" head! I can't really say I have any regrets about the c/s, but I do often wonder if I could have birthed him vaginally if I had hung on just a little longer. I also think that *maybe* the contractions were different and he didn't drop just because of the position he was in. That is all in retrospect, and I will never know for sure.

This was my 3rd baby, and we had become more and more "crunchy" by this time, so I made sure my husband knew to stay with the baby at all times. "Don't let him out of your sight, and don't let them do anything to him without our permission!" I was even barking out orders while being sewn up! Haha! So they laid him on the warming table to wipe him off, take measurements, APGAR, etc. and while my husband was just doting on him, he didn't notice that they gave him eye drops. I couldn't see because everyone was standing around him and blocking my view. I was a little disappointed in my hubby, but I was mostly frustrated with all the routine things they do with babies without permission. The eye drops were just not necessary, and now he wasn't going to see clearly for a while, not to mention the glossy wet eyes in all the pictures. So annoying!

Fast forward a little while (not sure how long), and once I woke up from recovery, I was able to hold my new precious baby boy!!!! I remember waking up and seeing everyone from my church there while I was laying in bed. That was a little.....awkward, but it was nice to know they cared. They all doted over him and mentioned his thick, black hair and that he already needed a hair cut, etc.

I really don't remember a whole lot about he hospital stay after that, but I do remember at one point, probably right after birth, they gave him a bottle of formula *without my permission* just because he was big and I was sleeping. Again, so frustrating!!!! They just do whatever is routine without considering that not every mother wants the routine things done! They also gave him a pacifier, and in the beginning, I did not want him to have any artificial nipples.

So the birth did NOT go as I had planned or hoped, but the rest of the hospital stay was fine. Most of the nurses were wonderful, and we had a very nice, large room to ourselves. I knew my kids were in good hands at my parents' house, so we just relaxed and enjoyed our new baby while being served food, snacks, etc. Still no complaints about that! Ha!

Jacob was born on a Wednesday night. By Sunday I noticed a slight wheeze when I breathed deeply. I thought it was strange but so harmless that I didn't say anything at that time. By the following Wednesday, I could hardly breathe, and I felt like I was going to DIE from just walking across a room! I was diagnosed with pneumonia and given strong antibiotics, which caused me to have to "pump and dump" for a week. Jacob had formula during that time, which killed me, but I knew it would only be temporarily. I went on to nurse him for exactly a year (I would have gone longer if I could have), so I was happy about that!

Of course, if I were in this situation again, I would probably have done things differently, and I could have continued nursing, but I was pretty bad and scared at the time, and I knew we'd both be okay once we got past this. I felt completely better in just a couple of days! I felt in my gut that it was a reaction to the spinal anesthetic, but I didn't really know for sure. Fast forward to my 2nd c/s, it was done by another doctor, hospital and anesthesiologist, and I did not have that reaction. Fast forward again to my 3rd c/s, I was back with the first doc/hospital/anesthesiologist and it DID happen AGAIN! Thankfully I recognized that little wheeze immediately, but I was still in danger with all the swelling and extremely high blood pressure. I was hospitalized overnight this time, but all was fine. So I really feel it had something to do with the spinal anesthetic, but I may never know for sure, hopefully because I won't have to deal with that again!

I think that's about all I remember......more than I thought I would! Even though he was not born the way I wanted, there is nothing I can do to go back and change that, so I am just so thankful he was very healthy (and still is!) and was such an easy baby. With my two preschoolers, he almost got ignored in the beginning because he was so quiet! Wow, things sure have changed! ;)