Some abbreviations you may need to refer to while reading this:
UP - unassisted pregnancy
UC - unassisted childbirth
m/c - miscarriage, miscarried
c/s - cesarean section
VBAC - vaginal birth after cesarean
LOL - laughing outloud
u/s - ultrasound
btw - by the way
IRL - in real life
Jasper Deacon (a.k.a. Jack) was born on June 27th at 9:32pm. He weighed 4 lbs. 7 ounces and was 19" long!
Jack is 16 days old today. I have not written the birth story yet because it has been a lot for me to process, but I do want to get it down while it is fresh in my mind. It has been a very emotional two weeks for me. I am thankful that he and I are both healthy, but he is still not home and the birth was completely opposite of what I wanted, so it's been a big, HUGE feeling of loss for me. A loss of my planned birth and a loss of time with my baby to bond and get to know each other.
I am going to be pouring out my emotions in this story, so for those of you who know me well IRL, mostly family, don't take this personally in any way. I am just going to be very open and vulnerable here, but no offense is intended. I don't have any hard feelings toward anyone, even though it may sound that way at times. I'm just wearing my heart on my sleeve here and letting everything be seen. I'm not sure if I'm really ready for it or not.
Where do I even start.....
Unassisted pregnancy
If you've read the previous entries in this blog (or if you already know me well), you know that I have planned to have a UP for these last two pregnancies. Even though the pregnancy last year ended in miscarriage, it was very empowering to me because I went through it with no outside intervention even though my family tried hard to persuade me to go to the hospital. I m/c at 10.5 weeks, so I would not have been far enough along anyway to have even seen a midwife or doctor if I wanted to. I never went to have a D&C, and the next day I had tons of energy and felt great. I never got any infection since there was no outside interference. The whole process confirmed that I really could do it on my own (it was real, true labor!), and I still believe I can for a full-term birth as well.....but I didn't get a chance to this time.
If you don't know what a UP or UC is, it is simply the pregnant woman taking charge of her own health care without a doctor or midwife. That is exactly what I did for the pregnancy even though it ended in a way I did not plan for since I got sick. Women were designed to give birth, and in a natural setting with no outside interference, there is very little risk to the mom and baby. I kept telling everyone around me, most of whom were skeptical and afraid of my decision, that I would go to the doctor if I needed to. I proved that I would, and everything turned out fine in the end. I listened to my body and followed my instincts (something many women don't know how to do because they just listen to the doctor or midwife and don't ask questions....I was there before too). I knew something was wrong, so I went to the doctor at 33 weeks after putting myself on bedrest for the previous 2 weeks. They did not catch the actual problem until one week later, but looking back, I had eaten a MUCH healthier diet that last week and had no symptoms of my sickness like I had been having, so I think it was good he had an extra week! You can read the previous two entries to get all the details of my sickness before I knew exactly what it was. They were both written 2 days after my first appointment, so 5 days before I got a diagnosis and he was born. It may be a little more detail than you want! LOL!
The day of the birth--The doctor visit
Oh, man. What a tough day emotionally! I would have gone in the day before, but it was raining so much that the roads to my parents' house were flooding and eroding away, so my parents thought it was best to wait. (My dad was going to watch the kids while my mom came with me.) So, in order to avoid that (hopefully), I left as early as I could the next morning before it started raining again.
I dropped off the kids and got down to the clinic around 10:30, I think. I did a urine test which I found out later I had some protein spilling into it. Then they did a u/s on my gall bladder which confirmed that I do have a gallstone. (Incidentally, it has not bothered me much at all since the birth....only if I have too much fat at once, like the nuts I had yesterday!)
They finally did some blood work, which they had not done the week before. I was going to request it if the doctor had not ordered it for me, because I knew there could be another problem, and I needed to find out for sure. At this point I was still planning on a UC....but then the blood test results came in.
The bad news
I had the HELLP syndrome, which is a rare form of preeclampsia. It stands for H-hypertension, EL-elevated liver enzymes, LP-low platelets, and it can lead to DIC in which one can actually bleed to death from every opening in the body! It came on very quickly and can progress very quickly, like in a matter of just a few days! It is very serious.
I have to throw this in here....I am certain that, had I gone to a midwife or doctor, they would not have caught this any sooner than I did. They didn't catch it the week before, did they?! I had just recently tested my own blood pressure not long before I started having the symptoms, probably after my swelling had started, and it was just fine! If I had been going to a doctor or midwife, when everything is fine they always say "Keep doing what you're doing!", but if something isn't quite right, they usually say something like "Put your feet up and take care of yourself, and we'll see what it's doing next month." At their BEST they may schedule an extra appointment in two weeks instead of waiting a month, but that doesn't happen often. I know because I've seen two different doctors and one midwife in my previous pregnancies, and they all said/did the same things! (Btw, I did consult with a midwife several times via phone and email to get her opinion on things. She was very helpful, but mostly confirmed what I already knew and was doing.) Well, with this sickness, a lot can happen in one month, so I would likely have had to go in between regular visits anyway! I am confident that by taking charge of my own health, I had a stronger sense that something was wrong and probably actually had a better chance than I would have by going to the doctor or midwife. I know many will disagree with that, but when you put your trust in the "medical professional" and they tell you to either keep it up or wait until next month, you're just not quite as "in tune" when something is actually wrong. If the professional doesn't seem all that concerned, why should I? That is the mindset many people have who put all their trust for their own health care in a doctor's hands. I think doctors have their place (I saw them twice for a diagnosis!), but when everything is fine, they really are not needed. I use them mostly for diagnosis and maybe the occasional prescription, but otherwise I prefer to treat the occasional sickness my own way. If that doesn't work, then I'll go to a naturopath and then the doctor last. We don't get sick around here much though! (It's kind of ironic that we have all been sick this week! LOL! I'm sure it is just allergies though, nothing serious.)
So, the doctor himself came in to tell me the test results and what it all meant. He and the nurses all thought I was crazy that I had not been seeing anyone for my entire pregnancy, but I asked them "I'm seeing someone now, aren't I?" and I think that was enough for them to hear! LOL! Even though I knew they disagreed with my decision as well, at least they were happy I had come in since something was wrong. I did what I said I was going to do all along, and that was go to the doctor "if I needed to", and I did, so I went! I still took flack (mostly from looks on people's faces whom I knew well) for not having any prenatal care this whole time, but.....refer to the paragraph above!
The doctor was kind of funny. He was very laid back and soft spoken, but his words were very urgent and serious. They didn't match, and I just thought that was funny. He basically told me what I had and how serious it could get in just a matter of 2 or 3 days. He recommended that I be taken via ambulance to a hospital in the city for delivery, but it was my decision! What?! It was all so sudden! I just wanted to know if I had a gallstone, that's all, really! Oh, I wanted to keep Jack inside me for at least two more weeks! I knew what I had to do, but I couldn't voice my decision because it was just so hard for me to accept. I am crying again now just thinking about that day. It was so hard. I did not want to have him that early, and I really wanted a home birth, but I knew it couldn't happen now.
The transfer
It was just a matter of waiting on the ambulance guys now. The nurse called the only hospital in the state who allows VBACs, but they did not have a room!!! So I had to go to another hospital where the care was excellent, but they did not allow a woman to have a VBAC. I likely would not have had one anyway because my blood pressure at this point was sky high! I had an IV of magnesium to help bring it down. It helped some, but they also gave me some kind of medication several times to help bring it down. Man, I sure did not want all that!
The ambulance ride was not fun, but James and Joe were easy to talk to and kept me company and took my blood pressure every few minutes during the two hour drive. I only remember their names because they both start with 'J', just like all our kids. :) I don't remember which one was which though! LOL! The one in the back with me also has a 2yo son, so we were comparing notes. Somehow we got to talking about military too and military sleeping bags, camping, etc. I don't remember how we got off on that! Both of the guys also worked other jobs at fire stations! What great guys they were. They had paperwork to do before they left, so they were still in my room for a few minutes. When they left though, they both came over to me and said good bye and wished me luck. In such a traumatic time, I guess I felt some sort of bond to them or something. LOL! It WAS a really long ride there! Myles was happy to know they took good care of me. :)
The delivery
It was a whirlwind of activity when we arrived at the hospital around 7:30pm. I had tons of questions to answer, forms to sign, the doctor to talk to. The doctor was VERY rude at first impression. I told him my wishes and added to each thing "unless medically necessary". Well, he didn't seem to even notice that I said that, because he tried to explain (very rudely, as if I was a moron) why I couldn't have my wishes. I hadn't signed anything either, but I don't think that would have made much difference since I had a preemie and apparently everything is out the window with preemies! So annoying! And my blood pressure was already high! He certainly was not helping with that!
The nurses weren't too bad. I distinctly remember one young nurse who was "nice" but not really very compassionate. When I asked her (I think after the c/s) if I could see my baby that night, she very flatly said "No." (Geesh! A little respect and compassion can make you a much more likeable person and a better nurse, lady!)
I was prepped for surgery and he was born at 9:32pm. I saw him for MAYBE five seconds before they whisked him off to NICU. I must have told Myles 100 times before now to STAY WITH THE BABY, so he made sure he did! Good guy! :) I honestly don't even know yet what all they did to him (we plan to get a copy of his medical records), but I think they gave him the drops in his eyes after I asked them not to. They may not have, but I think they did. The doctor tried to tell me it was mandatory. I understand them taking a sample of his blood to make sure there were no illegal drugs in his system, but beyond that I have the right as his mom to refuse certain things, and they did not honor my request. Most of the routine things would not change whether it is a preemie or full-term!
Btw, it didn't occur to me until days later that the doctor might have been rude to me because he sees "my kind" all the time. He is the one doctor who sees all the transfers who usually have no insurance, no prenatal care and probably a lot of moms who are drug addicts! I'm sure he assumed that, since I had no prenatal care, I was probably on drugs. He still should not have treated me the way he did, but at least it made more sense. Also, he was a little nicer to me during the surgery. I think I remember him trying to make a joke or something. He was probably trying to help me relax since I was undergoing major surgery! I did notice too that he got a little nicer as the days went by, so maybe he realized that I wasn't the typical woman that he normally sees. Boy, I sure feel sorry for those other women!
Throughout this whole ordeal, I was still very emotional. I knew there was no going back. I knew this is what I had to do, but in doing so, I was also giving up my gentle home birth with low lights, no noise, probably in the water, not cutting the cord right away, nursing immediately, etc. It just didn't seem fair. Plus I did not want another c/s! I developed pulmonary edema after the last one which led to pneumonia, and I was afraid it would happen again. Praise God it did not!!! Anyway, even as the anesthesiologist was giving me the spinal tap, I had tears streaming down my face. It was hard, I'm telling you! The only reason I am writing that here is just so anyone who reads this can hopefully understand better what this is like, even if you do not agree with UP or UC. It tore me up to give up that "perfect birth" which I know I am capable of! I felt defeated and weak. It was hard. It was hard. Wow, it was hard!
After the birth
I have no idea how long Myles stayed with Jack. I don't think I even asked him what they did to him, because at that point, I didn't want to know. I figured if they're going to do things to him anyway even though I ask them not to, I don't want to know about it, at least not right then.
I had some great nurses taking care of me. I couldn't get out of bed for quite a while. It was already night time and I'd had a long day, so I just slept. The next day I didn't need pain meds at all because of my hormones! LOL! I felt so great and had tons of energy! (It really set in the next day though!) I finally got up sometime around noon-ish and went to the bathroom and cleaned up a little, and then I got to go see Jack!!! My mom pushed me in a wheelchair. (She had stayed all night with me while my dad still had the kids. They were great!) At this point only the nurses had held him. I didn't even wait for their permission.....as soon as I saw him, I burst into tears and held out my hands and said "Give me my baby!!! I want to hold my baby!" I certainly had not planned on that reaction! Wow, those hormones are powerful! LOL!
He was so beautiful. I didn't want to let him go. He had a feeding tube in his mouth that first time I saw him, but he was only getting IV fluids. He had already been taken off of the CPAP (forced oxygen, or something like that) at about 10 hours old, so he was doing very well. The rest of the hospital stay, I went to go see him as often as possible every 3 hours when it was time for him to "eat". I was pumping like crazy, but it was frustrating because in the beginning I'd pump for half an hour and get THREE DROPS! Good grief! I'm getting several ounces/day now, just enough to meet his needs, so it did improve. :) I couldn't hold him every time though. I think they let me hold him twice/day in the beginning. He got all his feedings through a tube in his nose. It was several days before they even offered him a bottle, and for some reason I wasn't ready to try nursing.....probably because I don't like people gawking at me! LOL! I mean, I know I've never had a preemie before, but I've nursed 3 babies, one of them for 15 months (would have been longer if I could have), so I think I can figure things out on my own! I have since tried nursing him about three times so far, and he did great! There was one time he swallowed really big about half a dozen times! I am pleased for now. We'll work on it more when he comes home. It is my goal to be exclusively nursing ASAP, and to nurse as long as I can!
Since I was discharged
The doctor (not the rude one) asked me on Friday (2 days after birth) how I felt about going home the next day. I told him, since he asked, "To be honest, I'd like to stay as long as possible since my baby is still going to be here." He simply replied, "Okay, we'll send you home on Sunday!" Easy enough! Then two nurses told me I could stay all the way up to midnight, so I did!
Ever since then we have gone to visit him in NICU twice/day, at 11am and 5pm. Our routine is to go in at the top of the hour and take his temperature, change his diaper and feed him if he is getting a bottle (which, since earlier this week, he gets a bottle each time and as of today no longer has his tube in). He sure is a snuggler. :) I just love to sit and hold him!
That next weekend Myles got sick, which we believe now was just allergies, but he ended up just staying home with the other three while I stayed at the hospital from 11am to about 6pm after his 5pm feeding. Oh, how I loved that! But this weekend I am sick (I believe it is also allergies....and my voice is gone right now!), so I haven't seen him in two days. :'( Fortunately he will likely be coming home on Sunday since he is now taking a bottle for every feeding. I plan to hold him as much as I possibly can. I have 2.5 weeks to make up for! I just want to sit down with him and cry until I can't cry anymore. He needs to be here with his mommy and the rest of his family. We want him home! Hopefully by the time most people read this, he will be! :)
Latest update
We just called for another update. He only gained 1 gram today. ONE GRAM! LOL! I just thought that was funny since he normally gains at least 1/2 an ounce and sometime a little over an ounce each day! He is taking all of his bottles (I think the nurses are working him harder since his tube is not in), so it's been almost a day and a half! They want them to take all the bottles for 24-48 hours before they discharge, so tomorrow afternoon at 2pm will make 2 days worth of feedings in which he has taken all of them! The doctor who is there during the week told us that the other doctor will probably discharge him on Sunday morning, so we will be there bright and early! The other two criteria he had to meet before discharge are holding his own temperature in an open crib and maintaining and gaining weight steadily. He's been doing both for several days now.
Processing it all
All in all, now that this is about over and we are about to settle into a new "normal" for our family of 6, it hasn't been that horrible of an experience. It just wasn't what I planned, and I sure hated the c/s and the fact that Jack is separated from me. It's just not right! Writing this all out has really helped me, but I know that if I'd written it before now, I would have had a lot of anger coming through (I still do some). I was MAD at everyone! I felt like no one supported my decisions even though when it came down to it, I did what was best for me and Jack. I felt very alone. I still feel this way to some degree, but the further I get away from that day, the better I feel. It will just take time. I know that not all my feelings are true, but it is just how I have perceived things....it's just how I have felt throughout it all, whether it is fact or my imagination.
I'd really like to have more kids, but we may wait a while. We don't do anything unnatural to prevent pregnancy, so I'm sure we'll have more children someday. I don't feel like we're done either. I'm certainly not wanting another baby yet since Jack is only two weeks old and not even home yet, but I just don't feel like he is going to be our last. I don't feel like our family is complete yet. I would very much like to have a UC if possible, but if I were to decide right now, I'd probably choose a doctor or midwife simply because my pregnancy was stressful without the emotional support that I needed. The only thing about that is, since I've now had 2 c/s, I'd probably not be given an opportunity to have a VBAC no matter how healthy the pregnancy is! I hate it! There is more risk involved in MAJOR SURGERY than there is in a VBAC, but insurance won't cover them, and doctors don't carry their own insurance for VBACs. So annoying. So I am still open to having a VBAC at home and maybe get the UC I've been hoping for, but at this point, I just don't know. I will definitely need to find some regular, good emotional support IRL before I can try it again. Either that or I'll just have to learn to tune other people out and not care what they think. I hate to do that though, because I really do respect what other people who are close to me have to say, whether I agree or disagree with them. It will be a while, so we'll see what happens.
Now if I can just find the time to write Jacob's birth story before I forget all the details! They'll be out of order, but oh well!
