Where do I begin?
I'm mad at myself that I didn't get the birth I wanted and needed. I'm not mad at YHWH (God), just mad and a little confused as to how I got His message wrong or just flat out messed it up. I still feel that His message to me was SO clear, but maybe I misinterpreted it somehow??? Perhaps it was intended for a close friend or my daughters (or daughters-in-law) in the future?
Ultimately, baby and I are both healthy and doing better each day, which is the best blessing ever, but the birth itself was again, one of the worst in my own personal experiences. Assuming I may have more children, will I EVER get the birth I so badly want and NEED? In some ways I still feel I am closer to it as I learn something from each pregnancy, but with the actual birth events I feel I am getting further away!
So, the story that I need to get down but don't really want to remember so much......
The last week or so leading up to the birth, I had been having gallbladder attacks, and as a result, I wasn't eating much of anything in fear it would set it off again. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal not to eat, but boy was I ever wrong, as I soon found out!
It was January 1st, I was running some errands with my friend and doula who had just moved from out of state and was living with us temporarily. (She was a God-send and such a HUGE help in so many ways!) We each had our daughters (one for each of us), so the four of us girls were having some fun girl time as we went to pick up our raw milk and get a few groceries.
At our last stop, I was feeling VERY light-headed and a little nauseous, so I gave her some money for the things we needed and went to sit in the van. She hurried out to check on me, so I hadn't been outside by myself for very long when they joined me. She got a phone call, which delayed our departure just a bit. That ended up being a blessing, because as she was sitting there talking instead of driving my van (since I was in no shape to drive), I decided to throw up! Lovely. I didn't want to go, but I knew I needed to go to the hospital to be checked out. Thankfully we were only a few blocks away!
We arrived at the hospital early afternoon. It was New Year's Day, so the only staff that were there were all stuck in the operating room for a c-section, so we waited quite a while. Once we finally got signed in, I enjoyed the quiet as I settled into the nice comfy gown and bed they had for me (I wish). They hooked me up to all the monitors and drew some blood for tests. Fun stuff. Why didn't I do this sooner? *sigh*
On a serious note though, I should have gone in sooner to get the gallbladder attacks under control. As it turned out, by NOT EATING hardly anything for several days, my blood pressure was up (hypertension), my liver enzymes were elevated and my platelets were VERY low.......Yep, I had once again developed the HELLP syndrome, which is worse than preeclampsia! So I was facing another c-section. I cried. No, I bawled my eyes out. I am so glad my friend was with me, offering a shoulder to cry on.
I'm a little fuzzy on all the details now, but by 7:00 we were getting very close to surgery. They had to give me some platelets just as surgery was beginning, and they also had to put me under general anesthesia since my platelets were so low (31,000). It was scary. I was honestly very worried that I might not wake up. I was praying hard, that YHWH would save me or that He would take care of my family if I was gone, but mosly that I would live. Another scary thing was that they were holding the mask over my face, ready to put me under, when the doc said, "Okay, ready when you are." And they counted down........and I was still wide awake and could feel everything!!!!! He even had the knife touching my tummy, ready to cut!!! Thankfully, I don't remember them counting very far, and I don't remember feeling or knowing of anything going on until about two hours after surgery when I woke up. Then I felt like I was thrown out on the street (freezing temps) naked, I was so cold!!!! Oh my, that was a horrible feeling!!! But they warmed me up as fast as they could. I was still feeling pretty loopy, but I wanted to see my baby as soon as possible. She was two hours old already!!!!
I soon discovered that my husband, who had not been allowed in surgery since I was under general anesthesia, had not even seen the baby yet himself! We were told they only needed 20 minutes with her, then he could see her. We knew she was fine (I guess we heard from someone?), so why were they keeping her? They finally did bring her out, just shortly after I had woken up (and was still groggy). Thankfully they had not given her any shots, eye drops or a bath, as we requested! Her APGAR was 8 and 9, so she was in excellent shape. The doc honored my request of delaying the cord clamping, however, he couldn't delay very long as they didn't want the medicine to get to baby. I can respect that, and I didn't want that either!
The doctor also honored my request to keep the placenta so I could just SEE it. I had never seen any of my previous 5 babies' placentas, and I felt that was just weird! So I actually got to see and KEEP this one! Now it sits in my freezer, awaiting my decision on what to do with it. Haha!
There is more I could write, like how the pediatrician was HORRIBLE and didn't listen to me AT ALL, or how my 10yo daughter came and spent two fun nights with her sister and me. I may add some of those toughts in future blog posts, but for now, that is the basic story of Jessica's birth. It ended completely the opposite of what I wanted, but ultimately she is now in my arms and doing very well, and that is always the most important thing.
And as a side note, as much as I hate having c-sections, I am thankful for the option when they are necessary! And as far as medical doctors go, I have the best, hands down! He listens to me and does not try to scare me into anything that he knows I don't want to do. If I need an OB, I am so glad to know him!
So, Jessica Dove was born on January 1st at 7:21pm weighing 9 lbs and 9 ounces and was about 21" long.
Because of the IV fluids I was hooked up to for several hours, she was POOFY! She had some of the chubbiest cheeks I have ever seen on a newborn, and her head felt like a sponge! It was a little creepy, to be honest, but she was also so sweet and adorable! I was so glad to finally hold her in my arms.....FINALLY!
And here we are, one month later, and she is just the BEST baby ever! She is so easy to care for, but she does like Mommy to hold and nurse her as much as possible. When Mommy is busy with something though, there are plenty of other hands to hold her, and trust me, she rarely gets put down! Her 2yo brother loves to kiss her and rub her head. She is going to be bald soon, I'm sure, but I just decided to stop trying to prevent him from rubbing her head. She'll just be bald in all her pictures and can blame it on her brother when they are older!
